Have you ever written an anger letter to your ex? It can be so healing to get everything out of your mind and onto paper. In my support groups its one of the homework assignments and everyone finds it so healing. Never send the letter to them, because that doesn’t end well as it usually falls on deaf ears. Write the letter and get the best closure you will get by acknowledging the things you wish you could have said. Here is a lovely letter written by an author who remains anonymous, we thought it would help you format how your anger would look.
To my ex husband,
I have so much to say to you that I’m not sure where to begin. I have kept so much of my feelings and emotions to myself in the last several years of exiting the relationship with you. It’s been hard, very hard, one of the hardest and most courageous things I’ve had to do in my whole life until now.
I am grateful for the incredible life you gave me, and the 4 beautiful children we have together. I am grateful for all the experiences you exposed me to – the high life, the travel, the material world, an incredible home, and all the creature comforts that one could ever have and more. On the surface, life with you looked like a dream – I was living in a palace filled with all the luxuries one could ever hope or dream for, with not a thing to want. Staff at my disposal to do things for me – you fixed things, you bought things, you provided things. You were an incredible provider, that you were. And for that I will always be grateful.
It’s been 1.5 years now since our official divorce, and 3 years (more) since the start of the unravelling of our relationship, and you are still angry, still grudging, still mean, still nasty. You haven’t let go nor forgiven me for having the courage to leave you. You never thought I would dare to, you never thought I could. You shamed me endlessly in the process of our separation, laughing at me saying that I would never make it out in the world on my own. You’d given me no money nor direct access to money during the marriage so that you could control me. You thought I would never leave you because I would have no money to leave, but that is precisely what backfired on you. With nothing to lose, because I’d been given nothing to call my own, what did I have to lose by leaving? I had nothing already anyway. And that made you mad, so mad, and you lashed out at me in incredibly nasty, mean, hurtful ways, and you’re still continuing to do so. You’ve used the children against me, you’ve used your money to try and control me, you’ve used the law to harass me endlessly. There has not been one moment since I made the decision to leave that I’ve regretted my decision. Every single thing you’ve said and done to me in the last 3.5 years of exiting the marriage only went towards reinforcing that it was the right thing for me to do. You would have killed me had I stayed in the marriage. You were suffocating me to death with your stronghold and control and bullying ways. I would have died. So I left to save myself, to save my soul. I left to regain my freedom, and that has come at great cost. But in the process, I have found myself. I have regained my wings, my soul, my joy, and no one and nothing can ever take that from me again. The children will get to see and know me for who I am, not what you wanted me to be – for you and for everyone else. The noose has been severed. I am free.
Am I angry at you? Yes, I have been so angry with you for such a very long time. I have moved through most of my frustration, anger and grief, but there are still things that you say and do that hurt me tremendously.
When you put your interests in front of the kids because you’re trying to hurt or control me, you are hurting our children. By kicking me out of your life and by trying to keep me out of their lives, you are hurting them, not me. And that makes me incredibly angry. All the hurtful, selfish, mean and nasty things you’ve done and said to me or the children in the last few years have enraged me. I went from being the best mom in the world to the worst mom. To being accused of being mentally unstable. To being accused of abandoning the children. YOU have pushed me out of their lives as I’ve had to fight and claw my way back in. You have no idea what love is or means, that people can be kind to each other and mature, even as relationships break up. We can work together for the sake of the children, be respectful, like many other families are, be inclusive, be understanding and loving, but no, that is not who you are. To you, love is control and possession. If the people in your life aren’t doing what you want them to do, you manipulate, punish, guilt-trip, bully and/or throw tantrums. And that is not love.
It makes me angry when I see your actions hurt the kids and there’s nothing I can do about it anymore. It makes me angry with the insane double standards you live by. What you can do, no one else can do. You get away with murder with your lies and your twisted tales, and that too makes me angry, that there seems to be no justice in the world for those that are kind and pure of heart.
It makes me angry when you trash the sacred, and all that I’ve ever held dear and precious to me has been trampled and dragged through the mud by you, that you’ve taken special moments in our relationship and turned it into pig fodder. Twisted things and stories and manipulated and lied so badly, that what was once pure and beautiful in my experience no longer exists.
It makes me angry that you continue to lie, that you continue to use fear and money to control the kids, that you have no ability to see them or support them for who they are, that the only way you know how to love them is to buy things or experiences for them, and you won’t let their mother enter their lives fully and give them all that she knows how to do and can – in emotional and spiritual support. We can work TOGETHER to continue raising our children, but no, you have chosen to shut me out thereby hurting the children in the process.
I could go on about all the unfair, nasty and ugly things you did to me in the past, but I won’t, because I’ve moved on from that now. But Jas, it is not okay to be financially, physically or emotionally abusive and to blame me for your actions and behaviour as you’ve always done. I was the best wife and the most devoted mother, and one can argue that’s why you’ve had such a hard time with this loss. Or perhaps it’s just your pride.
I have been angry about so much for so long now that I’m tired of holding onto anger. It was dragging my spirit down, and I know that I’m a naturally joyful person and so I’ve chosen to let go, to forgive, both you and myself. To forgive myself for allowing you to treat me like someone who is inferior to you, whose only job or value in life was to serve you and nothing else. To forgive myself for buying into your lies and manipulations, for believing that I’m small and not capable, for allowing the abuse to go on for so long. I forgive myself for being too kind, too generous, too loving. And I know that one day I will find a person (myself, especially) who will truly love and respect me for all that I am and all that I have to give, who genuinely desires the best for me, who wants me to be as free as they are, who wants me to reach my ultimate potential. At times I’m angry that I feel like I wasted so much of my life (20 years) living in a gilded cage with you, that I could’ve done so much more with my life and my potential, achieved my dreams, spent time giving back to humanity, instead of being locked in the gilded cage. But I did that to myself as much as you did that to me, and I’ve had to forgive myself as much as I’ve had to forgive you in the process.
I’ve sacrificed much for my freedom, but freedom is priceless. You can’t put a price tag on it. And as much as you’ve tried to keep me small, I am now pinging back in the opposite direction with a vengeance. I will grow. I will shine. I will continue to find courage and to keep growing into myself. Not just for myself, but for my kids, and for all of humanity. Because as we each grow, we give back to Life – it’s the law of the universe.
And I want to keep growing, awakening, knowing and finding my Self in the freedom. I thank you for our time together, and I thank you for setting me free – whether you liked it or not. I hope you find freedom and peace in yourself and your heart, and that you too can one day forgive me as you forgive yourself.
I would still one day very much like to be friends, but I don’t hang on to that hope. If it happens, it happens. It will be a grace. And if it doesn’t, I wish you the very best and the most that this life has to offer you. And I thank you for providing for the children and loving them the way you do. I wish you well, Jas. And I wish that you find happiness and love and forgiveness in your heart. I wish too for freedom for you.
I’ve released you, and I can see that the bully you are comes from your childhood traumas. It helps me to see that you are a sheep in wolf’s clothing, and truly I have nothing to fear. Because ultimately the light prevails. And Truth prevails. And that is the only thing I ever want to live and stand by.
Your Ex wife