COMMON STAGES AND PATTERNS (continued from left)
We call this stage the devalue stage and you can expect to see these behaviors.
A sense of entitlement to do what they want, take what they want and generally say what they want without regard to how it will make you feel.
They are always right which means you are by default always wrong. Everything will become clear that there are double standards. They might have the password for your phone, but they will never share theirs.
You will start to see flickers of the lack of empathy to your needs and desires.
They will break all your boundaries for the above reasons, they are entitled, they are always right so your boundaries mean nothing to them, and they need not comply. They test you at every turn to see if you understand boundaries and to see where your line in the sand is.
To test you, they will threaten you to keep you in line. Some examples might be “I am going to tell everyone you are an alcoholic”, “Go ahead leave me, I am too good for you anyway”. They will always attack your greatest strengths, simply because it hurts more, and you will defend your greatest strength from being attacked.
Rules don’t apply to them.
They are hot and cold and you get exhausted trying to keep them off the edge of cold.
You feel like you are walking on eggshells, because they can lose it on you for anything, and you never know when they will attack. So, you try to keep the peace by not speaking up and not voicing your opinion.
They become two faced acting friendly to people they claim to dislike and mean to you the one they love.
You might be met with accusations that you have memory issues (gaslighting), and they call you crazy just for asking them about one of these things that don’t add up. Once that crazy label comes out you can expect it to be used in the next stage, the discard stage.
They might not be cheating yet, but they do get bored easily. So its usually just a matter of time. Remember they feel entitled to have other lovers in their lives. The covert behaviors, usually missed and written off with a snarky comment, happens when they start to flirt with others: the waitress, the man coming to clean the pool… This is also a test; will you allow them to flirt even if they say it’s all in fun? They will blame you for being jealous when they outwardly flirt.
If you find yourself making excuses for them or canceling plans with your friends, then they have you where they want you.
Triangulation begins in this stage as they intentionally pit you against another person. Let’s look at their crazy ex for example. In the beginning they hated their crazy ex and now they are comparing you to them constantly. The reason they triangulate you with their ex is to make you jealous and confused. This also stops you from ever wanting to speak to the ex . It’s a win-win for them. Besides being able to call you jealous they have also secured distance between you two. They may also triangulate you with their new target, saying nice things about them in an attempt to make you jealous, while at the same time they’re telling the new target how crazy you are. They may make sure that the two of you never meet, but they do this in order to make you feel insecure, and the new target is being set up for a smooth transition once it’s time for you to be discarded.
Name calling usually begins in this stage where any concern you have for their behavior makes you get the label of being sensitive. That is a mild example of how the name calling starts. Later, the name calling will be more personally aligned with your strengths. If you are a great mom, you will be called an abuser. Since their goal is to ultimately destroy you, they may even secretly call CPS and report your ‘abusive behavior’. If you are great with money, they will call you irresponsible and a failure. Things you told them in confidence that you understand are your weaknesses, will be weaponized to call you names.
They stop letting you in and they withdraw their attention, this is confusing, and it hurts.
Ghosting or as I used to call it ‘darkness’, is when they disappear for a period of time. At first the testing begins and the darkness might be for a night or a day that you didn’t hear from them. Then, when they have learned the cost to them, meaning how you will react, they crank it up disappearing for weeks at a time. It’s frustrating, and the angrier you get, the more they can turn it around to tell you that you are being unreasonable and jealous for not giving them their space. You also might be called controlling for wanting to know where they are all the time. What?! Wasn’t that them last week?
Because of their competitive nature, you may find them competing with you and getting angry if you get more accolades. As an example, I will share my ex-husband’s photography skills. He liked to take pictures and he always had to have the latest camera with the biggest lenses, but that didn’t really make him a better photographer. It was something we had in common and I loved that about him. I grew up with a camera in my hand. I had a darkroom at 16 and I was always studying light and composure. When we joined a camera club and submitted photos, the club would pick the best of that meeting to be submitted in the newspaper. If mine were chosen and not his, he would throw a hissy fit and get so angry at the club for not picking him. He said I took away his joy of photography. Eventually he got bored and blamed everyone else for his lack of skills, but mostly it was my fault. In the last few years of our marriage I simply stopped taking pictures and let him feed his ego by being the man that takes great pictures.
The Discard Stage
In this stage the narcissist has already secured themselves new supply and usually without warning they leave you in a horrific way. This discard is called the ‘grand finale’. You saw those weird things they were doing in the last stage, yet in your mind you guys were working on it.
The behaviors in this stage can vary of course but there are some that are quite common.
Once they have decided to leave you high and dry without explanation, you will begin to understand how long they have been living a secret life. They have been planning for this since day one. They have befriended your friends and family and planted seeds that you are controlling and crazy. Bi-polar Disorder seems to be a popular claim at this point and my guess is that if they are the one claiming that you have a personality disorder, then they are the ones without one If they called you a narcissist, your friends and family might look it up and see the abuser’s behaviors, so throwing them off the trail with a diagnosis of bi-polar must seem like a good idea. Aren’t these lies describing them? Yes, it’s called deflection and it’s a tool in the narcissist’s belt to tell the world everything they are by calling you the label first.
Being dumped without warning is never easy and most healthy people give you closure, but not a narcissist. The fact is, as you lay there shocked by the rejection, abandoned by this heartless ending, you will now be faced with an odd betrayal that you never saw coming. They have moved on to another without any remorse or feelings for you. The new supply is often flaunted to the survivor The pain is unbearable – much like pouring salt on a wound.
We call this stage the discard stage and you can expect to see these behaviors.
They turn your friends and family against you.
They bait you with false allegations and blame you for the ending of the relationship
Things you told them in confidence will come out at this point to be used against you in a smear campaign. A smear campaign is designed to ruin you, not to just tell a little lie about you but a full-on false allegation. You will find yourself having to dig out and defend yourself to everyone that they met. Expect that you will lose lifelong friends at this point. These false allegations become the smear campaign – let’s go back to rule number one – they are always right, and you are always wrong.
The cheating becomes clear at this point, because they don’t feel the need to hide the new supply from you. In fact, it’s your fault that they are cheating.
They may up the game and get physical with you or they will tell you that they will ruin you. And they usually try. A man I dated called the police and had me arrested, I have had the opportunity to speak with hundreds of others that this ploy was used on. When we go back to them not having empathy, it is exactly this lack of empathy of what harm they are causing you by calling the police and lying. I have met people who lost their security clearance jobs because of this false allegation arrest.
The final discard is when you are left, with or without explanation and usually without notice or discussion. This isn’t just another breakup. This is pure evil and truly at this point you will know the person you were with was not who they claimed to be.
Even though they dumped you, many victims have the narcissist come back hoovering to get your attention. This might include a false apology and a promise to work on things or change. This attempt could be right away or after some period. Please don’t fall for it, because this is exactly how victims go back seven times. These are false promises because a narcissist cannot change. In most cases the new supply figured them out quickly and dumped them, so they come back to get you back on the hook.
Flying monkeys” is a term that is used to describe when a narcissist turns your friends/family against you. These flying monkeys are like the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz that does the witch’s bidding. Flying monkeys can be used to gather intel for them, or bring messages to you, or they can be used to smear your name and continue to injure you. If you have a friend that has drank the narc-Kool-Aid, please do not trust them. Cut them out of your life, block them, and protect yourself from additional drama.
Stalking you seems counter-intuitive to that fact that they dumped you. Narcissists hate to lose, and they don’t want you to move on, so they stalk you to keep you living in terror. If this is happening, take it seriously!! Call the police, document by taking pictures of them and get a restraining order if they don’t go away.
If you feel that you may be in danger, you might be. Your intuition is telling you to get away, so listen. Call the police and file restraining orders. They are NOT the person you thought they were and they are very dangerous.