If you are starting a divorce with someone that shows signs of narcissistic behavior – WATCH OUT. You will not be divorcing the person you have known and loved. It won’t matter if the divorce was their idea or yours the journey will not be the easy, agreeable divorce your friends have had.
The trick is to get a good lawyer that understands “high conflict divorce”, it would be great if they would admit that they understand the tricks a narcissist might try to pull. Remember abusers charm everyone, including your lawyer and your judge. Having someone that can see through that fake charm and see the manipulations for what they are will help you and save you money.
Divorcing a Narcissist – Tip I learned early on
One of the tricks I reveal in the above video is something I learned during my lawyer selection process.
When you call a law office for a divorce inquiry they ask your name and your Ex’s name. The reason they ask that is that if they have spoken to your spouse they can NOT speak with you. Even if your Ex didn’t hire them – its a conflict of interest and they can not talk to you.
That said, I was given a list of the best divorce lawyers in my town, I was told to call every one of them, ask them questions about cost and availability, and any other questions they will allow in a pre-divorce interview. Now, you are in the system for that lawyer and your Ex will be blocked for hiring those that you called. I know its a sneaky trick and it may not work where you are, but I know it worked for me and my ex had to go to the next city to hire someone.
Why is this important? When a lawyer has relationships in THAT court, they have insights to each judge, and they know how the judge handles certain parts of the case because they know how that judge tends to rule. If you put a lawyer into another court they are at a disadvantage to be known and trusted by the judges and court.
Five years ago I had an epic divorce, the judge said at the closing that “ours was the most tortured divorce that had ever come across our town’s history”.
I learned a lot from my $100,000 divorce. I was beaten, and tested and pushed, accused, lied about, lied to, this narc and his Adams family crazies wanted to ruin me. I have a perspective of what both sides did, the tricks they pulled on me and the things we had to do to protect myself.
Epic Divorce Narcissist Series Intro
Divorcing a Narcissist – Tips
When you are divorcing a narcissist expect these things;
- The world is narcissist stage – and there is nothing better than being on the ‘court’ stage. The judge is the intended victim to charm, expect all the acts to be kicked up, charming, the poor little victim, the sad mom or dad that can’t bear the fact that this is happening. This behavior is fake but if the role is played well as they call you the abuser, or the crazy alcoholic then the win! Please act like the calm on in the court, they will push your buttons, bait you, and egg you on until you snap emotionally. The judge looks for someone to show the ‘crazy’ so keep calm.
- The person you married is not the person you are divorcing – even if they are the parent to your children. The loyalty you have for the years of marriage is simply not there for a narcissist because of the relationship in their eyes is over and they owe you and your children nothing.
- Controlling behaviors – abuse is about control and this will never be clearer than during a divorce with a narcissist
- Lies, lies and more lies – expect things to be said about you that never happened, keep calm they are doing this to get you upset. (don’t show them it’s working because then they know how easy it will be to manipulate you. You are a player in this game and the rules they play by are their own.
- Narcissists HATE to lose, they need to win and that means they will do anything to do just that – prepare for war and be happy if it’s just a battle.
- POWER – divorcing you makes them feel powerful over you, they can make up lies, create smear campaigns, isolate you from your support system all of these things makes them feel powerful – especially if you react in court. then they get to say ‘look I told you s/he is crazy’.
- Disruption and obstruction is a tactic should be expected – they often will not provide the papers and documents requested by the courts, you sit in the courtroom with your $200 an hour lawyer and they produce nothing. The filing of frivolous of motions, excuses, and requests for more time and delays, emergencies, and tricks like quitting a job to slow the process. That is intentional because being in contempt of court is not in my experience a real threat until the judge pumps it up. My Ex-husband was in contempt 6 times and we had to have 7 trials until he was given the ultimatum by the judge that he was going to jail if he didn’t comply.
- Financially ruining you during a divorce is a very common tactic – running up fake charges, motions and even disputing the judge’s decisions cost YOU money.
- Mediation with a narcissist is another waste of time and money they will not be forced to negotiate or settle. If they come into mediation with the attitude of not being willing to negotiate – do not allow it to run up another crazy bill with the hopes they will show how to turn into the wonderful person you married. You are the enemy, treat them as yours will be hard but a self-preservation move you must learn early.
- Will it ever end? Just because you are divorced don’t assume its over – The legal system allows them to take you back to court again and again even after a settlement or divorce. Thankfully in June 2018, the state of Tennessee created a law on the legal abuse of a victim to stop additional victimization. Hopefully, more states will review this law and follow suit. Read more about this law and contact your lawmakers to make a change.
If you are on this journey I understand your pain, I am available to do calls with you, due to the sheer volume of calls, and messages I get every day I can do only do these calls for a fee. If you need some support please join our facebook group. I have a Youtube channel with interviews from some of the leading experts on divorcing a narcissist.