Today, we’re going to talk about the tricks and the lies that a narcissist will pull on you and what to expect as they throw this stuff at you. Whatever conduct they are doing to you, expect excuses. They’re going to have parental unfitness allegations and if you’re catching this before the ugly starts, and maybe you’re just planning your escape, this is one good piece of information. Go get a portable recorder or use your phone, most phones have an app that can record things. Every time you see them stick that recorder on, if they call you record their conversations. Have it in your pock-a-book, have it in your pocket, on your desk, so that when they call you, you can go ahead and record the conversation. The reason they are going to do this is- you want to do this, they’re going to beat you, but I want you to turn it around, I want you to beat them.
If you’ve got kids and you think you’re going to fight for these kids, then I want you to ask and record them. Ask them what kind of a mother you were. This is before it gets ugly. Once it’s ugly, it’s too late. But, ask them do they want the kids, what is their plan for caring for them. If either of the spouses is a stay-at-home person, they can care for the children. If you’re both working, then you’ve got a 50-50 chance of losing your children. So, the more of them you can record them saying the good things about you, the more this can be used against them, when they decide to use the children against you. They’re going to use your children as pawns without question. It’s part of the game. You want them to say that you’re a good parent, you want them to say, and this would be used in the court. And when they are ripping you apart and telling the lawyer lies about you, you can submit these tapes to the judge and they will hear exactly what they said, that you are a good parent and that you’ve always done a good job. They’re probably saying that stuff to your face and turn around and go to the judge and tell them that you’re an alcoholic, and that you’re a drug addict and everything else. They’re going to pull every legal crap on you, so expect it. This may help you fight less and win more, and frankly save money.
I live in Colorado, where it’s apparently the law that only one person has to know that you’re recording and this is 100 percent admissible to court. So, check your state and ask your lawyer or ask a cop. On this note, narcs can easily record you and they bait you and they’re going to push you, on the phone, in person, in text, in email and everything will be used against you. So, do not give them ammunition to fight you with your own words. Three-ex recorded a conversation with me and then edited the tape. It would’ve cost me thousands of dollars to prove that it was edited. I did have it edited, oh I, didn’t have it edited, I had it analyzed by someone who was not admissible to the court and I found all of the cuts, all of the breaks; and the police, and the judge, and nobody would listen to me, unless I paid another $2,000 for a court approved audio forensic person. Who the hell even knew that existed? Well apparently they do. So be careful, because any communication, keep it brief, keep it to the point and just to be clear my, three-ex I were not even married, but he was pulling child alienation in epic proportion. His shelves were filled with books on child alienation, which I thought was ridiculous for his son to see this, but that’s crazy and that’s selfish, and that’s what he did.
Expect them to use your kids as a pawn. They really don’t want to pay any alimony, they don’t want to pay support. They don’t/won’t pay child support, because in their sick and twisted minds, they’ve already paid enough for this game. They’re done. They want more pie, they want more money and they’re going to stop at nothing and that’s going to include ruining you. It’s going to be smearing you in a way you didn’t ever imagine that they could smear you. They’re going to use them as pawns, and they’re going to threaten to take them away from you, even if they don’t want them. Okay? That’s important that, if you had to had that recorded, that “I can’t really take care of them. You know, I work all this time or I travel,” whatever they’re going to say. If you can get them to say that, then you won’t fight as hard, because then you’ve got evidence to show the judge, because they’re going to flip it around and they’re going to lie about you. So, expect the worst and prepare yourself.
Another thing they’re going to do, is they’re going to try to control you, right? This is their last chance to stick it to you, and they already know what works. I say get some help from a therapist to make yourself stronger, so that they can’t control you, and that, you are stronger, not weak. Expect to walk on egg shells, because everything, this is a war and everything that you do is going to be used against you. It’s like met-locker, whatever they said that show was, they said that “It’s going to be used against you in the court of law.” Seriously, I’m not fooling, narcissists play for the win and when they’re done, the fact that you were in a relationship for 20 years, that means nothing. So, be careful.
Expect repercussions for being honest. Do not be naïve. I was honest and I did everything the judge asked me to. My two-ex did not even produce his financial records, and he was ordered to bring them in, and in the end he got away with it. Two contempt of courts and he brought in maybe 30 pages. Remember, I had 5,000 pages. His own financial records were submitted, that were crazy. He actually put down in his monthly expenses, first of all he was living at his mommy and daddy’s house, but he was putting down and he had like a five thousand dollar mortgage. What- and then he said that he needed an allowance $300 a month in magazines. They’re going to exaggerate, they’re going to make it that they need more and they might even falsify records. Something that my first husband did was, he was on commission and he sold furniture and what he did during our divorce period, was, he stopped selling at least in his name. He would have his friends put their name on it, collect the commission, and then in the end his salary was down to nothing. “So, well, I can’t pay her support, because, look, I didn’t make anything. I’m so distraught over this divorce, that I can’t even sell furniture”, that’s what they’re going to do.
My two-ex with $300 in magazine, he quit his job, so that he didn’t have to pay temporary support and when it came to him telling the judge that he couldn’t even afford his lawyers, I did something and it wasn’t like I thought of it beforehand, but has anyone ever gone to DSW, like, if you shop there and you accrue a certain amount in a month, they send you a coupon in the mail. Right, so it’s like $10 off, so you spend a $100. I’m getting every two days $50 coupons, I have never even seen a $50 coupon! How do you do that? I don’t understand. I’m getting a $50 coupon, a $30 coupon, a $10, a $20. I got a pair of new shoes with these free coupons. But, every single week, I’m getting these coupons. Seriously, he actually used our joint DSW card and they were sending me the coupons 2,000 miles away. So, when you’re spending hundreds of dollars, they’re coming to me. So, what I did was, I logged into our DSW account and first I’ve changed the email to mine and then the password. So, I was basically locking him out, so he couldn’t go in, he couldn’t do anything. I mean, he could certainly have used the card, that would’ve been brilliant, but no. I was able to print copies of his receipts for that particular month, where he bought over $2,000 in shoes. Yeah, seriously, you know, couldn’t afford support or to pay for his mortgage, but he was buying $2,000 a month in shoes. They showed the actual picture and the size, and he was so surprised when I submitted this as he was countering not wanting to pay me, that he turned around and said that they were shoes for my son and I just showed them that, that’s not his size. If we’re able to show the judge his spending habits, then he was actually ordered to find support. Now, he was in contempt again and eventually it caught up to him.
Back to being honest, because I kind of forgot that, I get side tracked, sorry. When I saw that he was not honest and there was nothing I could do, isn’t that perjury? All my papers proved that I was honest about the numbers, every expense. Your narcissists is going to use honesty against you with lies. That is what they do, right? I mean, we already know it. It’s one of the red flags, they lie. So, expect them to lie even more. They have no repercussions for these lies. Because I was honest and they could lie, and there was nothing I could do about it. I just spent more money to fight his lies. So be smart, think out of the box. That little trick with the DSW, I mean, I wouldn’t have known it in a million years; I’m 2,000 miles away and yet, I’m getting that little coupon in the mail. So think out of the box, think smart, do what you can.
The next thing you’re going to want to do is to expect to be blamed. You’re a bad mother, you’re a bad father, you’re a drunk, you’re a drug addict, you’re a lesbian, you’re a whore. You might be put on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety, but that’s part of this plan. If your doctor says you need it, take them. Because, you’re going to be all over the place, and if you have kids to watch out for, then you need to be there for them. When you take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety, they’re going to call you unfit. Expect to be accused of cheating. Really, I have news for you, “Hold up a mirror dirt-bag”. In most states, it’s a no fault state. Even though two-ex cheated and I had emails, it didn’t matter. Those accusations, they don’t matter in court. Expect gross exaggerations and false allegations. They might even get the law enforcement involved. I’ve heard many people now, both men and women, that have had the police call on them. Think about this, there’s no better proof to say that you’re crazy than them having to call the police on you, and now you’ve got two battles, all right.?You’ve got the divorce, maybe custody and now, you’ve got something to do with the police. This man or this woman that slept next to you, will resort to anything to bury you. So don’t be the reasonable one, ask for everything. If you’re the reasonable one, if you care, that’s what we do. We’re co-dependents, there’s some reason why they’ve been using us all this time. If you’re the reasonable one and you just say “No, I don’t want that, you take that”. If you’re reasonable they’re going to get- if you start here at half way, you’re going to get this. If you start at the top you might end up half way. So ask for everything and if you’re the reasonable one, this makes us nice, it makes us kind and you probably believe this person will never hurt you and I’m really sorry to say, it’s really a good chance, if he’s a narcissist, or she’s a narcissist, that they will fight you. They will fight you and they will aim to hurt you.
Another thing to remember is to strike first whenever possible. Make sure you talk to your lawyer about this. If you could beat them to the punch, you’ll have a much better chance of catching them off guard.
Good luck and expect the worst. It’s all I can say.