Narcissists target and use people for different reasons, those reasons are commonly called supply. The “Red Flags” of narcissistic abuse are based on what behaviors a narcissist does to conquer a victim. I am introducing the concept of “Green Flags”. Green Flags are the reason you were picked as a supply. In order to not be a victim again you must understand why you were picked in the first place. What are your vulnerabilities? What assets do you have to offer the narcissist? (this is not just physical assets) It is important that you do some deep thinking about what supply you were because that is now a vulnerability that other abusers will be able to see.
Of course being married to or dating a narcissist will have a completely different meaning to understand verses having a narcissistic parent or co-worker. Your vulnerabilities after having a narcissistic parent invite the romantic partner or others to abuse you. These links below will help you understand how not to attract a narcissist again. This work is based on my workshop that I developed for my two support groups that I now have available for you on this website. It is my belief that “our story” attracts narcissistic abusers. Your story will give them all the information they need to decide if you will be a good target. When they hear these vulnerabilities it’s like they throw a Green Flag on the field (go).
Think of this example: You were married to someone who cheated ten times, but you stayed. You were faithful, you believe in second chances, you married for “better or worse” and you will hang in there until you see that wonderful person you married again; you trusted them over and over.
This story in your mind shows loyalty, shows what a good heart you have, right?
To a narcissist this story shows them that you have no boundaries, no self-love to stand up for yourself, and your loyalty for staying is something they can exploit. You have just given them permission to cheat because they know you will not do anything.
You must understand why you were targeted, so it doesn’t happen again. In my support groups each week we go around the room and everyone says who the narcissist in their life was; 90% of the people have had more than one narcissist in their lives. A narcissistic parent and romantic relationship, or three romantic partner mistakes, all of the above: or like me a narcissistic parent, then I married one, then I dated the devil. These patterns must be understood or you will repeat the same patterns.