How do you Reconcile an Emotional Abuser as a Child of God?

This is a tough one. Firstly, this implies that you, the survivor of pathological abuse, have faith and believe that your abuser was born innocent.  As a spiritual of woman of faith this is my belief — they were born innocent.

You don’t have to reconcile that he or she is a child of God, but certainly you need to find closure for yourself which requires some kind of understanding.

I am personally offended with the severe bashing I hear and see on social media about the narcissist and Cluster B personalities. I am not soft to these souls, but I do see them as a soul.  Souls that have been traumatized and have had to create a false persona to survive and get their needs meet. This is truly sad.

It is the general opinion that pathological narcissist (also sociopaths, and psychopaths) are deeply wounded, dangerous, and not awake. Sandra Brown M.A., author of Women Who Love Psychopaths, a well researched book, discusses the causes of this pathology. She states, “The absence of what the child needed, emotionally, psychologically, and physically may form a deficit. Over the long term, these deficits create disorders such as personality disorders and other forms of pathology. The Low Conscience Spectrum of B Disorders is most often viewed singularly from this theory.”

How might seeing the abused person as a soul who was abused or treated like the golden child, creating his hurtful and dangerous personality traits and possibly a disorder, help your own recovery or spiritual growth?

How might considering evil make a difference? Here is what M. Scott Peck, psychiatrist and self-help author who wrote the best selling, The Road Less Traveled shared in his work, he takes the stand that evil should be regarded as a mental illness. He defines evil as the the use of power to destroy the spiritual growth of others. This is a powerful statement.

If you are a Christian, like me, you believe that there is good and evil in the world today and in people. We live in a fallen world and that has been true since Eve was tempted by the evil serpent and took a bite of the apple.

My own research has led me to the same conclusion. I clearly see the arrested development, immature emotions, and need for admiration and control, and rigid defenses, to name a few of their negative characteristics, as coming from their own deep wounding and trauma. This is clearly a mental health and illness perspective, and this kind of illness in people invokes in us much distress and suffering in trying to relate to them.

The assault they can do to one’s soul and inner sense of self, ability to trust, to love again, and to one’s physical health are tragic. Not to mention finances for some, and the time and hard emotional work you have to do to recover and transcend this evil.

The good news is you can, as a spiritual woman of faith, transcend, transform, and redeem yourself and your life with the right help, support, and grace.

How does that answer the question about reconciling the abuser as a child of God?

I cannot answer that for you and your specific situation. That is really your journey and I can only say what is possible based on my own experience and spiritual relationship and understanding.

Typically, answering this question for yourself will come closer to the end of your own recovery. The grief and trauma must be worked through to obtain the clarity you need to create your own truth, narrative, and story of this experience.

Some key points for you to consider this question for yourself:

  1. How might having an understanding of the abuser as a traumatized person themself help you find your own closure?
  2. How might seeing the behaviors and abuse inflicted to you as evil help you make important decisions about moving forward?
  3. How does your own ability to find forgiveness, or not, impact how well you are able to move forward in your own life?
  4. How might your own understanding of God’s character, for example loving, merciful, punitive, judging, forgiving, just… influence how you feel about the abuser or yourself in your recovery?
  5. How might these questions help you do some soul searching and hopefully step back from any drama to seek good support and education?

I would really love to hear your feedback on these questions.  Please reach out to me and let’s discuss together.


Thank you, Donna, for this article. It raises very good points that are helpful to consider when on our individual recovery journeys.


Donna Shin MS, LCPC

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