Am I with a narcissist? The simple answer is they’re never going to be go to a therapist to be checked, so don’t count on knowing for sure. We can look at some of the behaviors that they are doing, look at the flags that have happened, as well as how you feel. It’s important to understand and evaluate a narcissist in your life by these standards.
Is my person a narcissist? Number one question asked
Is my ‘person’ a narcissist? If the person that you knew is acting completely different and you find yourself thinking, “Who is this person? The person I knew is gone!” Red flag.
Did you have a horrific discard that is leaving you with your head spinning with confusion? ‘Horrific discard’ in narcissist recovery language means that it might have been unexpected, sudden or particularly hurtful with attacks you never expected. Did the discard come out of the blue? Are they putting you through torture?
There’s no other word shorter than torture, because these people are out for your blood and you don’t understand why. Red Flag.
Are confused about what’s happening and why is this happening, this is a huge red flag to the fact that something’s wrong. Do you fear for your life in a relationship? If you fear that they might harm you, these are signs that this is not a healthy relationship.
Often victims feel financially trapped by their abuser. Do you feel like there’s no other way out? Abusers often keep victims financially bound to them so they can’t get out and then the victim is used as a personal slave to the abuser.
Whatever their use for you we, call it ‘supply,’ this could be for money, sex, a fake family cover, or for some type of status being with you gives them. Whatever the supply you offered to them, a narcissist hates to lose control and while they might have moved on already, they still get supply from the pain they cause victims. Negative attention is just as powerful to a narcissist because it shows them they still have control over you.
Did a friend tell you to look up what a narcissist was?
That is a huge flag because if you are looking up with a narcissist is, that means you told somebody some of the behaviors and they saw the red flags. Your job is to learn the red flags and understand; is this person displaying these kinds of behaviors?
Is someone’s trying to ruin you? Do you walk around asking yourself this question – Why is this happening?
A narcissist can be a male or a female. So, don’t judge that all men are evil narcissists or all women are evil. They come in all colors, all shapes, all sizes, all sexes and every generation. A narcissist could be your mother, your sister, your brother, your father, your boyfriend, your husband, your wife, your sister, your coworker. It doesn’t matter.
You are CRAZY!
If somebody starts telling you that you’re crazy. That’s another red flag because most people don’t tell you that you’re crazy unless they’re trying to gaslight you into thinking that there’s something wrong with you.
Lies that have no basis of truth
Is this person telling lies about you? Often called a smear campaign narcissists resort to this common tactic to get under the victim’s skin and to isolate them by turning their family and friends against them. They’re telling lies about you and you’ve been married to them for 10 years. You’ve been a great mom or a great dad and suddenly they’re lying to the court and telling people things that aren’t true.
Victims going through a divorce with a narcissist feel they are fighting for their life because the narcissist will lie, hide information, hide assets just to destroy the victim.
Why are they doing that?
By switching the tables and spreading lies about you they are blame shifting from things they are doing thus taking the attention away from them. Children are often used as pawns in a divorce even if they don’t want them, they know you do want them so the fighting really hits home. In court expect to hear lies like, you’re a bad mother, you’re a bad father, you’re a drug addict, alcoholic, bi-polar. These are so common. The narcissist will select qualities that they know aren’t true because that hits you harder and breaks down your strength because you go into a PTSD swirl of confusion.
If you are never right, no matter what you say you’re just never right. And they have always got like an argument back to tell you that you’re wrong. Most victims don’t get their feelings validated. If you say that this makes you uncomfortable or you are feeling sad right now. They’ll just blow it off. They will invalidate your feelings to drive you to think you are crazy.
Every vulnerability is exploited
If everything that you do and everything that you’ve ever shared suddenly starts to be thrown back at you to be used a weapon this is something that may help you confirm the person is using narcissistic strategy to prove you are crazy to the outside world. As an example – I heard a story the other day about my ex narc (3x) that he was going around telling people that my two sisters were crazy and that is why I am too. Of course, my friends would have heard stories of my two narcissistic sisters, so this lie helps bring creditability to him calling me crazy.
You need to find out if this person is a narcissist.
Download my free red flag checklist. Look at the red flags we gathered and check the ones you have seen in this person or you have experienced. Most victims have serious ah-ha moments – don’t be surprised if you didn’t know the things they were doing were red flag items. Remember, we may never know if they are a narcissist, if you have lots of checks on this list know that you don’t need a label you just need to get the hell out of there.
get our free red flags checklist If you’re feeling betrayed, if you were cheated on, if you’re confused, if you are looking at a person that is not the same person that you knew. Go get my list, see if your person has these traits and then start to learn & educate yourself.
If you are planning to leave your narcissist we have creating a leaving plan to help you remember everything you should do. A 28-page work book that helps when you are going through this drama. Learn financial planning secrets, cyber security to lock them out of getting anything from your computer or phone.
get our exit planning kit