3 stages of narcissist abuse

IDEALIZE stage – When Narcissist and victim first begin a relationship the narcissist will be your ideal version of what a relationship or person should be. This stage is short lived and is used to rope the victim in and keep them coming back.

DEVALUE stage – Many forms of bashing the victim making them question their own worth. Either to the victim’s face or behind their back–if this stage is done behind the victim’s back, they may not realize anything is wrong in their relationship until they are discarded.

DISCARD stage – During this stage, the narcissist will distance them self from the victim and accuse them of false behavior. Generally very sudden, and without warning. “Light switch” like approach to both the relationship and the partner (I love you/you don’t exist)

Stages you pass through

STAGE 1 – Betrayal / Hurt Stage – You may not even know you were abused at this point. Many victims do experience – depression – confusion & emotional chaos– rejection – denial – shame – grief.

STAGE 2 – Detective Stage – Find out about narcissist abuse – learn red flags – patterns – discover unknown secrets – discover lies – understand what made you a perfect target

STAGE 3 – Awakening Stage – Here survivors of narcissistic abuse can talk with ‘new terminology’ now, and that finally puts the pieces together. The common feeling victims ‘begin with’ is isolation and now the deprogramming has begun and a peaceful clarity soothes the night as you metamorphosis from victim to survivor.

STAGE 4 – Awareness/Recovery Stage – No contact is finally happening, emotional distance makes setting boundaries possible. Restoration of a more peaceful time. New healthier relationships make it easy to identify toxic people and understand they do not have to stay. Live life fully again – no fear – adaptation – letting go – empowerment – move forward – self love

Behaviors

rushing intimacy – falling in love quickly.

charming personality – narcissists’ charm is part of their fake persona. It’s a manufactured role they play when they first meet a new supply, or when they go out in public. Hiding behind this charming facade allows them to hide who they really are, gain trust and maintain the appearance of innocence when they destroy the victim. This charm is false and, behind closed doors, the victim questions where “that guy” went; it’s in your gut that something is wrong, but you are powerless to do anything. Then the cycle begins again—you go out and he charms the world and puts you on a pedestal only to come home and ignore you.

hyper-sexual – wanting sex quickly – often and with multiple people to keep them satisfied.

center of attention – narcissists will do everything to be the center of attention. Eventually, every social situation will be about them and what they want to do. They will not like going to birthday parties because the attention is on the birthday person—expect them to be rude to take away the attention from the birthday person. If they do not get their way, expect them to act like a four-year-old, throwing tantrums, getting angry, drinking heavily, and delivering punishment upon arrival home.

good listener – they listen with intent of showing you how much they care about you but they are really building the script of what they have to act like to please you and win you over.

no responsibility – narcissists can’t accept responsibility for their actions. It’s never their fault; in fact, it probably is your fault or the blame of someone else, like an ex, boss, or friend. Don’t ever expect an apology from a narcissist because, in their warped mind, they have done nothing wrong. Besides, it was your fault.

narcissistic attachment – the belief that the child of a narcissist exists only for the benefit of the parent, such as for a status reason.

plays victim – narcissists paint themselves as the victims, or innocent, in all aspects. A narcissist gains pity and uses this tool to gain control. Narcissists are actors and one of the award-winning roles they play is victim while, in truth, they are abusing, confusing, wreaking havoc, mistreating, and torturing the ones that love them. Often offended by someone telling them the truth, narcissists will act like trapped animals and lash out to defend their role of victim.

parentification – is the expectation that a child must care for his/her parent, siblings, and household as a surrogate parent. This causes the child to lose out on any type of normal childhood.

deceptive behaviors – narcissists are like actors creating fake roles to con someone into believing that they are someone they are not. This type of deception does not strike a narcissist as something you shouldn’t do. When victims find out the narcissist has lead multiple lives, they go into shock and PTSD kicks in. Narcissists and their distorted sense of entitlement and lack of empathy as to how a victim feels by this shocking news then compounds the trauma by turning around and blaming the victim. Narcissists attack and threaten, play mind games, smear the innocent victim’s name and reputation, and use others to break the victim down.

infantilization – using brainwashing tactics to ensure a child stays young and dependent upon the narcissistic parent.

triangulation – a tactic used by narcissistic parents to change the balance of power in a family system. for example, rather than allowing two siblings to work together, the narcissistic parent insists that he or she be the go-between. This controls the way the information flows, the way it is interpreted, and adds nuances to the conversation. It’s also a way to feed narcissistic supply.

narcissistic supply – a term used to designate the way narcissists feed on attention. The best sorts of attention are approval, adoration, and admiration, but other sources of attention – like fear – are acceptable to a narcissist. Children, small children, are used as an ongoing source of this attention.

gaslighting – a way in which narcissistic parents (and other abusers) use lies – intentional or not – to make their child question his or her own reality. A child may end up feeling as though he or she is crazy. An example would be, insisting that the sky is green, until the child believes it. Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of emotional and psychological abuse.

withholding – the abusive partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen. “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “you’re trying to confuse me.” o Countering : the abusive partner questions the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”

blocking/diverting – the abusive partner changes the subject and/or questions the victim’s thoughts. “Is that another crazy idea you got from (a friend)?” or “You’re imagining things.” o Trivializing : the abusive partner makes the victim’s needs or feelings unimportant. “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”

forgetting/denial – the abusive partner pretends to have forgotten what occurred or denies things like promises made to the victim. “I don’t know what you are talking about,” or “you’re just making stuff up.” Of course, this leaves the victim confused and blaming themselves, and leaves you feeling crazy as you question your own reality.

the silent treatment – often used to: control, punish, test boundaries, avoid responsibilities, and hurt the victim. After narcissists have groomed you to constant attention, going dark brings the victim confusion and pain. Your reaction is a test to see if you will accept their lame excuses, and then each time the silent treatment comes around, the time gets longer. This grooms us to not expect the calls and texts as often, so they can begin their second life with a new supply without being nagged by us missing them.

narcissistic rage – narcissists despise any challenge or insult, and when that happens, a narcissist can fly into a rage – spewing insults and becoming physical and aggressive with their children.

sense of entitlement – narcissists feel that the world owes them —anything they want—and they will lie and cheat to get it. They take what they want without regard for who they step on to get it. Entitlement is said to be caused by deep rage and that fuels the sense that they have a right to do, say and have what they want.

know it all – a person who believes that they know everything. They are seldom to never wrong about anything.

fake emotions – unable to feel real emotions, narcissists mimic emotions that they think are appropriate in any given situation. They are actors and can as easily turn on the charm as they can turn on the tears. Using tears to manipulate the heart of the target victim (and declaring their own victimhood), they gain trust and show sensitivity. Narcissists’ tears are not genuine and should never be taken at face value; there is always a reason they turn on this pity manipulation. It is all about control and if you fall for it, once added to their arsenal of tools, they will continue to use it against you.

demands trust that isn’t earned – expects trust from their victims when they have either abused that trust in the past or have yet to show that they deserve that trust in the first place.

thieves – narcissists steal what they want because the world owes them. They have no guilt about stealing hearts, money, and friends from you. For me, the money and items that were stolen are not important. What makes me sad is the stolen time. By the narcissists presenting themselves as loving people, I lost 20 years of my life. They are nothing more than two-bit conmen and women, and thieves.

their way is the only way – “my way or the highway”, very inflexible, demands that things be done a certain way even if that way is incorrect.

pathological chronic lying – on the low end of the lying spectrum, narcissists can be dishonest, cunning, sly, clever, and resourceful in creating lies. On the higher end of the spectrum, a pathological narcissist liar is deceptive, manipulative, deceitful, and unscrupulousness. They attack the core of a victim’s insecurities. They start by lying about themselves; then they move onto lying about their exes, their jobs, and accomplishments. They lie about their feelings for you in order to hook you into bonding quickly. In the end, they will lie about you and call you the crazy ex. Then expect them to lie about the lies. Often asked: “How do I know if narcissists are lying?” The answer is, “If their lips are moving.”

managing down expectations – purposefully performing at a lower level than they are capable in order to create a low standard of expectations from their victim.

word salad – when the conversation with a narcissist is circular. It’s a diversion tactic to bring in irrelevant facts and meaningless logic to confuse the victim. I think of it as being in a blender with words flying about your head that make no sense and have no logic to them. Evasions, diversions, and vague comments are designed to confuse the conversation and manipulate the victim into just giving up. Narcissists use this technique of “doublespeak” to create verbal traps and impossible reasonable conversations.

emotionally dependent – narcissists pretend they are strong, but they need affirmations and praise. They are emotionally dependent on others to feed their egos.

excitement junkie – narcissists have a need for constant stimulation and get bored very quickly. Narcissists are always pushing the bar to see what they can get away with. Multiple sex partners, addictions to alcohol or drugs, risky sports, and often terribly risky drivers. These impulsive childlike characteristics bring excitement into their lives. Once they have accomplished something, they get bored very quickly and search for the next risky challenge.

uses guilt & pity ploys – guilting another to get what they want, acting pathetic to gain sympathy.

Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde— multiple persona’s – think of this as the inside face and the outside face. They start out charming, so kind and giving. In time, as things settle down, they get moved off the high pedestal and as life gets back to normal, they lose interest and begin the devaluation phase and they become another person. Most people will never see the evil side until they have decided you are no longer needed; then, the fangs come out and they attack in unimaginable ways. Often, narcissists will go into horrible rages, and then, the next day, act like nothing happened. This is the confusing part for victims, as they hold onto that crazy and start to blame themselves. Narcissists will deny anything ever happened and even accuse their victims of being crazy. This push/pull behavior leads to trauma bonding in the victim.

excessive emotional displays – outbursts of inappropriate emotions at inappropriate times.

grooming – a predatory act of maneuvering the victim into a position that makes them more dependent on the narcissist, more likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior. Idealization is when the narcissist sweeps the victim off his/her feet while programming his/her behavior and reactions as they test the waters to see how much abuse the victim will tolerate before determining how the abuse proceeds. With subtle digs— mixed with kindness—the narcissist trains you to accept abuse and to ignore your intuition.

unearned sense of self-worth – narcissists have a grossly inflated view of their abilities and self-worth; they appear self-assured and cocky at times. They are vocally opinionated and spin grandiose tales of how great they are—everyone loves them, or so they say. The very definition of arrogance paints the picture of a narcissist.

reckless drivers – disregard for safety and rules, see below.

projection – a manipulation tactic where the narcissist accuses the victim of the very things that they themselves are doing. If they are cheating, they accuse you of cheating; if they are lazy, then you are called the lazy one. You are insecure, needy, jealous, selfish…the best one is when the narcissist calls the VICTIM a narcissist. Victims are blamed for being crazy and bringing all this drama into their lives. I used to think about that old saying, “The pot calling the kettle black,” as I sat there listening to being accused of things I was not doing.

the law does not apply to them – believing they are “above the law” so to speak and that the rules only apply to “lesser” peoples.

no remorse, guilt, or empathy – narcissists are not capable of feeling for others, or understanding someone’s losses, pain, or suffering. It is most easily seen when a narcissist discards a victim and we see unempathic behavior, cold-heartedness, dispassion, and complete indifference to the pain they have created. They will not care or even lose a minute of sleep, while the victim goes into PTSD.

need for admiration – narcissists have an almost childlike need to hear how great they are. If their audience doesn’t play this game, don’t worry—narcissists will tell everyone how successful, powerful, smart, and beautiful they are. These delusions of grandeur become their reality and they surround themselves with fan clubs to reinforce their “wonderfulness.” Because of this excessive need for attention and being the center of attention, narcissists don’t have many friends willing to put up with this for long; that is why the revolving door of victims keeps them in steady supply of the admiration they crave.

lovebombing – a manipulation that literally “bombs” the victim with compliments, texts, phone calls, flowers, gifts, selfies and “I miss you” texts (even if it’s only been a few hours). They gobble up your time, slowly isolating you from your friends, and you want to spend more and more time with them. Narcissists will be comparing you to others in their past and telling you how different you are, how perfect you are for them. They rush intimacy, talk about moving in together, buying items together, and getting married quickly.

smear campaigns – a method of damage control that narcissists implement when they know they have been found out. A common smear campaign might involve portraying the former victim as some sort of crazy, bipolar, addict, alcoholic, unstable, good digger, thief, cheater, or bad parent. By creating a series of lies, exaggerations, half-truths, suspicions and false allegations about the victim’s behavior, these serve to undermine the victim’s credibility and sanity. Reasons why a smear campaign works so well to harm the victim are: The victim loses trust in all friends as well as their support system; they become isolated, fearful and don’t know where to turn. Think of this as a “sorting hat,” from Harry Potter. This will be the weeding out of true friends and people you don’t need in your life anymore.

grey rock – a term in the narcissist world for the victim to “go dark” and give the silent treatment back to them. It is essential that you disconnect all social media. I recommend blocking them over unfriending. Include all their friends for whom you are unsure of their loyalty. Never tell the narcissist you are going Grey Rock, this is a loss of power to them and will create a narcissistic injury. Do not answer texts. Block them from email, phones, and change your locks if they had a key. Tell your friends and family to ignore them if they reach out. This is the only way you will truly be able to escape and heal.