Today I am highlighting a blood money gift that I received when I first found out my husband was cheating on me. He was establishing the cost of how he could basically “BUY” me when he was being a jerk. This happened only a few months into our ten year marriage but he trained me to listen to his excuses, he trained me to allow his stupid excuses for bad behavior. He bought me this necklace and this is only the second time I put it on. Why do I keep it…
Today I am going to talk about… something about when I was married.
I am wearing this necklace, because it was a present that was given to me when I first found out that my husband was cheating on me for the first time.
We were on vacation, and I called his parents. I truly thought they were my parents. They said, “Oh no, not again?”
I went, “What do you mean? What do you mean ‘not again’? This is the first time, to my knowledge, that he has cheated on me.”
That should have been a flag to me — his parents obviously saying that. What were they saying that for? What had he done before, and why didn’t I listen to that?
So when I found out, and I cried, and we were on vacation. We were doing something the next day. We were, I think, in Sedona, and he bought me this bribe –right? — this necklace. And I can honestly say, this is probably the second time I’ve had it on. Because I never wanted to have it. I never wanted his blood money. And I shouldn’t have taken it. I should have just listened to my instincts and said, “Why would his parents think of him as cheating again?” And why did I settle to accept his lies… with a freaking necklace?
This thing is just hanging in my closet. I have no interest in it. But at the same time, why do I keep it, right? Everyone’s like, “Why do you even keep it?” It’s another guilty question.
I keep it to remember that I should have listened to myself. The presents, sometimes, they give you — are guilt presents, right? They’ve done that before. We know. But doesn’t it make me a prostitute, that I took a present? Maybe I should just tie it in little knots and see what happens, and leave it in the closet for another 20 years, that would be cool.
So, I just wanted to tell you that… I think I was a prostitute, because I accepted his lies. I should have listened to myself. I should have listened to my intuition, and I should have had more self-love. And if I think he’s cheating, and I find out, and I actually knew… mm-hmm, I should’ve done something. Why did I take that? Why did I take blood money?
Next time… there isn’t going to be any fooling me, that’s for sure. My only fear… it probably is one of your fears as well… and well, it doesn’t matter. My fear is, will I trust again? And will I be able to feel like someone’s telling me the truth? I guess now that I found out — so many lies — it really makes me scared.
And that’s okay. What I’m doing is, I’m acknowledging that I’m scared. I’m acknowledging that I don’t know. And I’m acknowledging that I made mistakes before. And then, I’m forgiving myself. I’m telling myself it’s okay. You didn’t know, and now you do.