Today I want to make this post in reply to a comment that someone left on one of my videos about sisters. And they told me that I sounded like their sister who always played victim, and what I’m going to clarify is, I was a victim, and so were you, and so, how do we tell the difference between someone, a narcissist who is faking victim, versus someone who was a victim? And how does it sound to the world, because it sounds the same, right? And I look back at the 3 match dates I had many, many years ago and I sounded crazy. I didn’t understand all the stuff that had happened to me, and it was frightening to me. So, I probably sounded like a victim and I probably sounded crazy. If we look at the narcissist and the way that they always play victim. They play victim, and so there’s holes in their story, things that aren’t going to add up. The truth is it isn’t there. For me when I talk about being a victim of narcissist abuse, whether it’s with my mother, my ex-husband, his crazy family, my ex-boyfriend, my sister’s– I have truth to it, and now I have words for it. So, there’s a difference in understanding that when they play victim, they could certainly use the vocabulary but as I have learned, to identify the difference between someone fake victiming, and a real person that was a victim. If we look at this and we try to analyze how we sound to other people, we really have to be aware that we do sound like victim now and again, but that we were.
We were victims, we have to get out of victim, and that’s an important role, and it’s a fine line for me to cross with making videos to help you and share with you parts of my story. Because people are always telling me that when I talk about specific things that have happened in my life that I didn’t understand them before, and now this whole new lens thing is helping me understand things that had happened. So, for me to sound like a victim, is a great possibility, because I’m now for the first time confessing what I learned and what I didn’t know. So, for the last 55 years or so, you would have not heard me ever saying I was a victim. You would never heard me say that people were doing wrong to me. That’s never been my M.O. Confusion, yes, I’ll give you– I have been confused for the last 4 years since my divorce, and I didn’t understand the attacks, I didn’t understand the anger and the crazy stuff that happened to me. But, how do we get past that?
So many people in this recovery world get stuck in victim and a really good way for you to understand, and move out of victim is to look within yourself and decide you were a victim, but now you’re a survivor. And it’s the way we talk and it’s the way we speak and the education that we have behind our story of abuse. Now we can identify exactly what their plan was. What was happening and what our accountability was. You see, a narcissist is never going to have any accountability. That’s it really in a nutshell. Everything happens to them, and they did nothing wrong. Well, I can say I did things wrong. I accepted that behavior. I didn’t know better, and I think if we all look back, we can take accountability for our part and enabling them. Enabling my sisters by constantly helping them, stepping in when they needed me, being there. Which sounds to me like really good person, right? That’s what I always envisioned to myself as. Their caretaker, their helper. But, I really was their enabler, and that’s where accountability lays, is, I didn’t know what they were doing, but they knew what they were doing, and they knew how to manipulate me. Now I can say, I didn’t see it but now I do. I hope that makes sense to you and I want you to look at the way you talk about being a victim, and I want you to not say “I’ve never been a victim” That’s bullshit, or “I moved right past victim and I now am survivor thriver, because it’s a long journey. It’s a long confusion of unravelling that the ties in our life that we weren’t aware of.
The only way to not be a victim again, is to understand why you were a victim. What was your role? What did you do to enable someone to abuse you? Were you codependent? Were you a trauma bonded person? Did you just want to help everyone? Were you a people pleaser? There are so many things that go into the intricacies of our life. But it’s accountability that’s in the end. I didn’t have accountability before I knew what was going on, and now I do. Now, I can sit here and clearly with the right words, the right terms and the understanding in my own head, see that I spoke victim. Okay, well, it’s all I got. I just wanted to tell you that we do sound like victims some times, but there’s a difference. Accountability and being a good human person.