It is so hard to recover from a narcissist abuse I know. In order to heal we must learn new skills. Here are 7 things you need to do.
Transcription:
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Hi there. This is Tracy today. I would like to talk to you about boundaries because to me I
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believe that
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By not setting boundaries
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We have actually set us up to be a victim to another
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Narcissist and
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the Secret in
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Protecting yourself is to have the strength
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to stand up for yourself and that means setting boundaries and sticking to it I
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Did a meet up last week with my people here in Colorado, and sorry I’ve got a little cheat sheet things
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I’m going to read to you that I shared with them and
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The first thing I want you to know is that we have a right to ask for what we need and so
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often people
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pleasers like myself
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People that generally just want to care and and be empathetic towards others
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We put others needs before ours
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So the first thing you need to know is that you have the right
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To ask for what you need I?
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suggest that you write down
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boundaries on a piece of paper write them down for
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yourself and
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Start to plan them out because if don’t know it’s kind of like setting a goal rate. We need very often set a goal and
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Everyone always says it’s more helpful if you write it down
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same thing with boundaries if
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You have had an experience where someone has crossed a boundary for you
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And maybe it is the narcissistic person in your life. That’s why you’re watching this video
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The idea here is for you
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To write down what bothered you about that narcissist, right?
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Boundaries that they might have crossed write down boundaries that you won’t stand for anymore
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Write down things that you wish you had done and didn’t do it yet
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Next time you will buy writing it down we end up having
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amazing power for ourselves
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It’s a tool in our toolbox that we can go back and go I’ve got it here
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That’s important to me because when you’re being brain fucked by a narcissist ‘im and things are
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starting to slide down that slippery slope
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We often forget
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What it was that we wanted in the first place so write them down?
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And it’s really important to set
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these boundaries up with the people that you’re setting them on if
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You don’t tell the person that you’ve set a boundaries you can’t be angry at them if they break it
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Because they didn’t know it’s really as simple as that
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Think about it. Here’s an example
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Every time you go to thanksgiving dinner your mother-in-law is mean to you or your children
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you get home when you’re angry at your husband and you express this concern, but
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You’ve got two choices either he accepts and supports you that
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Together you’re not going to accept that kind of behavior
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Or he’s not going to agree to do it. I those are your two choices, but
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Even if you both agree, and this is your boundaries if you’re all alone
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And you’ve got a boundary with someone the most important thing is for you to tell them
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if you don’t tell them
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That you are not coming back for thanksgiving dinner if they yell at you or treat you like that
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Well right, none of that was scary. You’re not going to come back
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But if you don’t tell them the boundaries, and they cross it the next part that you have to really plan for is
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what’s the consequence if
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You are mean to me at Thanksgiving dinner
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Then I will not come back you will not see your grandchildren
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Those are consequences, and it does make it more real not only in your mind, but it makes it more real
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in
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The person that you’re trying to set this with now we know that
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Narcissists cross boundaries all the time, so that’s where that consequence is really important
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And it’s not just something that you said you can’t just say all right. I’m not going to go to Thanksgiving dinner anymore
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You have to not go to Thanksgiving dinner. It’s as simple as that
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If you break the boundary just a little bit and make an exception
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I mean isn’t this what got us all into trouble in the first place
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I’m pretty sure they slowly erode at our boundaries
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It’s like the very first time they come along and they just poof break every boundary that we’ve ever thought of in our mind
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It’s a slow erosion of boundaries, so you must communicate
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with the abuser
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and you must communicate that the
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consequences
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Stick to it if you don’t stick to it
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guess what the next time you’re just going to do it again until
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It isn’t still until it is something that is a regular part of your life
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Why do we need boundaries? It’s really good
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When we set boundaries we are protecting our own time
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Protecting our spirit, and we’re protecting our self
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if your son went off to school
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And he got 50 cents a day for school lines and some bullies kept taking it away from him
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that late
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I’m outside. It’s dark out now. This is really messing up the camera, so
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Your son is losing his 50 cents every day to the bully
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well, he’s got to stand up to them and
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Not necessarily punch them out or something, but he’s got to say no
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That’s not going to work and if you do it again
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I’m going to the principal this is but the penalty and consequence part of this
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when you set boundaries
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And set self-love. You should see all the bugs that are going
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Over to my light right now you guys should close this screen. Don’t know what that will do the camera probably not so good
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That’s the limit
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And stick to it
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Boundaries can be physical
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If you have some like lurker at work that just like to look over your desk come really close into your personal space
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That’s a safe
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boundary that’s something that you have to establish and a new fall moment you’ve often that guy that extra near base and
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It’s really uncomfortable
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So if your boundary is to say you know what I’d really prefer it George
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When you’re coming into my cue that you don’t come so close. It makes me uncomfortable
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now if George breaks that boundary
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You’ve got something to work with listen George. I’ve asked you higher worth
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all right, so many of us would need to work with because now you’ve told him that you don’t like it and
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He’s got to work with you and this goes with your nurse because the person that’s abusing you
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When you do this you empower yourself, so you can’t get mad at yourself. I used to do this all the time
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In my mind, I’d be like well. I’m not going to take that anymore. It’s just in there
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But I didn’t communicate it to anybody and then when they broke what happened. I was best not at myself
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so albury
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Save you from yourself. It’s like that that little lip tracey on your shoulder, or someone like a best friend
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Telling you to protect yourself. That’s what the boundary does it’s protection and empowerment
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It’s going to relieve anxiety and stress and depression
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It even like reduces pain in your body because pain is caused by anxiety stress depression
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Your body is going to be so much more at peace if you start to set boundaries
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Another thing that matters to you is it shows?
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If you’re starring and say no, I’m not going to take that
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Because I look up the company
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area so
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Boundary Sediment Boundary does is it shows destroyed?
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You know narcissus can’t mess with you if you’re strong. That’s why they picked us
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because we are big lovers of love and
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Giving someone a chance so they’re going to take it. They’re going to take it. Take it. Take it take it
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If you set reasonable boundaries they’ll have less disappointed in your life
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Every time something eats inside of you, are you down?
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What would be different if you said no?
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what would be different if you set a boundary around narcissists can spot us and crowd and
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Within a week of knowing you they will know that they can push your boundaries
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Maybe they’ll give you a few kisses. I leave it’s her mother they’ll treat you well for a few days
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They know how to get you and that whole hoovering thing it
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Happens with boundaries, and they break a boundary they’ve crossed the line
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They come back
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Act. We have to know that
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We have no boundaries
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If equals no self-esteem, and this is what makes us a really good Target
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It’s not that we didn’t have self-esteem
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We don’t have enough self-esteem to stand up for us if it was your best friend
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If it was your kid, you would be standing up, so we need
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to understand
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how to take care of ourselves
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So I want you to start thinking about a boundaries write it down that was our first homework assignment
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Now I’m going to ask you to create it
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I’m going to say how important is this boundary and then the class. I taught last week. I use the example
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in any class that I tweaked I gave the example of
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Someone not putting down the toilet seat well that really pisses you off
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Boundary could be he puts the seat down. It’s really important to me and I’d like you to put the seat down
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How important is that?
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low medium or high
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How important is that?
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Low medium or high you
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have to
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Understand that there are going to be things that our crossed boundaries
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Better lower like the toilet seat maybe if you don’t have any others
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But then you’ve got to get into the no you’re not going to treat me like that
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No, you’re not taking my $0.50 lunch money
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Those are like mid-level. What are your die-hard? I?
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Will not these are the absolute no tolerance level
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Cheating that’s a really good one
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Physical abuse you hit me. I’m never coming back and me it
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So often we come back because we think that person’s in there if they opit
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You once run the hell away and never ever never like that
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They don’t change it only gets worse
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Alright. I our type. I
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Our time remember low medium high the last column in this and I’ll show you one of my other column blue
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Boundary low medium high and now it’s time for penalties you
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Treat me like that at Thanksgiving. I’m not coming back
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Remember communicate it to the offender
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Stick to your boundaries stick to the consequences
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the only way that you will not
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be affected and
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Be brought into the spiderweb of a narcissist again
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Here’s some guidelines for setting boundaries. I wrote this last week
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when you’re setting boundaries with someone do it really clearly and
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Outlay exactly what you’ve defined and the consequences
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Be firm become and be respectful
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But do not justify your choices
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Do not allow yourself to be affected by the possible reaction
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by this person in fact you should plan
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What are the reactions what if he says that’s what happens if this happens plan it in your head?
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Doesn’t mean it’s going to happen don’t dream it to happen
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Don’t get blindsided that sucks worse than being blindsided
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And then don’t take on a responsibility for the other person’s reaction
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these are your boundaries remember we started this conversation off saying you have every single right to ask for them and
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It’s time that we do
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Plan it out stick to it
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boundaries are something that we have to learn and
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If we don’t record them write them down
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It’s not going to help us you need to be stronger so that we’re not victims anymore
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this is Tracy please subscribe I
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Have a website which is called narcissists abuse support calm, and we have lots of resources for you to get free help
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Look at other YouTubers look at books that I recommend
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There’s a lot of data on that website, and I really hope that you can take advantage of it
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Thank you
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