If you are going through a divorce with a narcissist you are probably completely shattered, Duane has a great YouTube channel and he gives the best advice for ANYONE going through divorce with a narcissist. You must subscribe to him as he teaches coping skills that we all need.
Here is where to find more divorcing a narcissist advice.
YouTube – https://www.youtube.com/DadSurvivingDivorce
WebSite – http://www.dadsurvivingdivorce.com
Transcription:
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hi, there this is tracy malone and i am here with duane from dad surviving divorce and i
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have watched his channel from the very beginning, because i
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Went through a, divorce and so i’d love to talk with, you today duane, welcome, oh?
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Thanks for having me tracy i really appreciate you bringing me on your show
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Yeah, well you’ve been doing so many great things and i’ve watched
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Your your viewership go up, and i’ve watched all the people that engage with, you and
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You’ve come a long way and you’re really, changing life, oh thank you yeah
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Well thank you i appreciate it yeah it’s a it’s a great great community i’m really
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Everyday i’m impressed with the the interaction and the compassion and the empathy that
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Everybody in the comments has
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i’ve put in fortunate enough that i haven’t really, had, many trolls like, maybe a couple of since i’ve started and
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Everybody’s been really great it’s it’s really, awesome and to see the progression of people, who are really hurting to you know
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Figuring things out learning to transitioning to being a lot
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Better is it’s really exciting to watch yeah and i know for me?
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We get people that come in to our channels and into our world in such different stages of
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Yeah, we’re divorced finding out there with. A, narcissist there there’s so many different emotions and
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I’m sure this works in the same world as yours they’re either finding out or they’re on the last bit which they knew more
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So let’s start off with, some advice
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for someone that is
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Just starting out with a divorce and this is someone that they believe to be a narcissist
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What’s the best piece of information you’ve got for them?
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well the best thing and one of the things that i
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Routinely go over on my channel is you have to get a hold of your emotions and look at everything
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Rationally and not respond emotionally i mean as you know it
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narcissus feed off of
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Reactions that doesn’t mean that they have, to win their victory is just getting i mean if they can get you to just
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Get you know and crazy so to speak and and be mad or?
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Yell at them or whatever that is a win to them and it’s really a tough mindset because
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You, don’t when this whole thing starts
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You’re, so frustrated and you?
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Want to hold the person accountable
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that you you’re just drawn to fight them and
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It’s really counterproductive and and i think and you and your story is a good example of it that if they’re able to do it
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Effectively you can torpedo yourself in a really, bad way and not even realize it you can just be responding to a
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Situation that you think you’re responding, not necessarily normal but but. Appropriately, and they’re, sitting back they’re
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Plotting you take the right steps and then they’re able to
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You know get you jailed get you a restraining order
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Get you to if you have young kids to use it as a mechanism to take your kids away from you
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And that doesn’t matter whether you’re whether?
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You’re, the dad or the mom i’ve seen it both
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Ways so it’s not a gender specific situation either so the first thing is you have as soon as you
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Suspect, that you’re dealing with a narcissist you need to absolutely treat them, like that you need to learn everything you can, like gray rock
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Well it with in a divorce with kids you really can’t go no contact i appointed a term called hybrid, no contact
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Where you minimize those interactions to protect yourself and to take a lot of the power that your
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Narcissist or suspected narcissus has mm-hmm
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Yeah, i think that’s really important because i know i talk to a lot of people that just get into such an emotional place
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and you know like so shocked that the person that they married could be pulling, these, tricks on them and
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Nobody seems to understand nobody seems to know. How to help them and
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they are obviously turning towards youtube turning towards blogs yeah
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Books, and just grasping for help because i don’t feel, like, the legal, system the judges
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Really understand it and so i think the narcissist has a bit of an advantage there, where
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oh, absolutely, their tricks go kind of under the wire and
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Well and then they’re able to use our actions against us i mean it’s really it’s?
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The problem is is that you have to change?
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You, basically almost have to change your core person on who you’re dealing with right otherwise able use every
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Every part of your empathy every part of your compassion or your guilt or whatever against you to
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To, manipulate the situation and control you and like you said control the legal system as, well
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It’s it’s it’s not fair i mean that’s that’s a given but
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There are some things that you can
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Do to help yourself there are some things that you could especially if you catch it early on right i mean like in my situation
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I didn’t realize until
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Like two years into the divorce that it was narcissism now just to be clear she’s never been diagnosed i can
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Obviously i do not have the you know the ability or the authority to diagnose someone but, what i can
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Say is when my therapist after just i mean i just was circling you know
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down into a sea of abyss right and
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She, yeah, she had actually said
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To, me at one point and it was getting really bad i mean i was really in a bad space and?
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she said you know i
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Can’t and she’s basically same thing she was i i’ve only talked to her once i don’t really know
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Her but it really sounds like
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You’re, dealing with the narcissist and and i remember when she first said that it actually kind of annoyed me i’m like
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Okay, whatever all right give, me the term i’ll look, it up i’m like great, some other little you know, term that means nothing
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Is what i initially thought but i went home?
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Typed it up on google you know and initially it was you know
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Blogs, and stuff that came up and i was floored i mean two and a half years and about?
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Well two and a half years of divorce at this point you know 20 to 23 years of a relationship, we divorced 20 years and?
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Everything, made sense i mean the last 20-some odd years made sense everything that, was going on right then
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And there made sense it was a first bit of closure i i got but
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It’s just and for people, who learned this at the beginning stages i mean if you’re right at the point, where you’re either thinking about
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That divorce is in in the works?
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Or. You’ve just done you’ve just been served that they just you’ve been just discarded or or maybe you just reached
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Your wits ins and you’re like i can’t, deal with this anymore i’m done
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If you can learn, about it on that on day one
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So that you don’t make a lot of the mistakes a lot of people make
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You, will be in a much better position and i think it will reduce your recovery time as, well
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At least that’s, my, hope i’ve seen that a little bit with
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Some of the folks on my channel that like i was talking earlier where start out really
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In a bad place and just
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Overwhelmed and then things progressively get better
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yeah i know all
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Of what you’re saying, makes perfect, sense because so many, victims don’t know
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That they’ve been in an abusive relationship they don’t know
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What a narcissist is you know we’ve been married to someone and you just you know you accept their faults and?
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Ya around you’re supposed to right exactly and you’re. Like, okay, well they aren’t good at
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That so i’ll pick up that and you know. You start to
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Eventually take on more and more and more until the part of the divorcing comes along and i have just seen so many
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People that have been
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Just slammed with shock and all your eyes saying how. Could this be and i know that the courts
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Absolutely do not want to hear the word narcissist nope they just let’s you i did
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whoops, i think, we
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good i
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Think our internet’s dropping in and all that no i was no say is i did an interview. With, jo cordell from cordell cordell
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earlier this, year
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there’s a
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awesome
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Opportunity to talk with him and he discussed a little bit of that and he said you know if you have the money in the
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Funds and you can hire experts then it’s, okay to
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To, use those personality
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disorders and stuff like and you know, and and
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Diagnosis and try to isolate it but if you don’t if you
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Don’t have the funds and you don’t have the way to do it you you
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You’re, right do not go in there saying you know
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They, have a personality
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Disorder they’re a narcissist you know and are they’re a sociopath or whatever because
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It hurts your, own credibility right because everyone going in a divorce
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Hates her you know i mean walk in everyone hates everybody everybody
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Is slinging mud around so
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Most of us not believed you have to make sure that your credibility is good so that what you’re saying is believed and
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Primarily, by doing that is that you and what he suggested and i think it’s spot-on is?
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Focusing on behavior you know focusing on what they do not saying that they’re a monster and they shouldn’t be around you know
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They’re, your kids but saying you know i i really want them to have a relationship with, their mom and their
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Dad but i’m really concerned, about these actions
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These behaviors are just i’m really worried
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About that i’m worried on how it would affect you know
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Impact our children you know and to be that and it’s tough right i mean when you’re in a situation and and you get to
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the point
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Where we deal we realize that we’re dealing with a monster we realize that our entire life
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Was an illusion i think a lot of us once it starts to come out
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We know i mean, we can look at and go, oh wow
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you
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Saw all the warning signs you just chose to ignore them and it makes it tough because the last thing you
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Want to do is show
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Any compassion for the person because you’re so angry, but it’s critical that you can
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Maintain, your composure control your emotions and be rational and come across as sincere and genuine otherwise you hurt your own position
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And i think so many people that go into the courtroom
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Don’t understand that their behavior there
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is what the judge is watching and if
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You start you know spewing at the mouth that you know he did she did this happen this happened
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You have to let the lawyers take and know, what to do with, what’s going on because if you absolutely know
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the emotional one in the courtroom
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They’re, gonna be able to point the crazy finger at. You and go see i taught his shoe is crazy
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And that’s only gonna hurt your case and they’re exactly
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Defense for us so we have to leave it in the hands of the judges and show. That, we are saying
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great yeah
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No, you’re right i mean that that’s that’s the key and if you go in and you do and i talk about this a lot
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On my channel with folks and i do think that if you do make a mistake right let’s say you you
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Something wrong you respond emotionally and they are able to just key in on it and take advantage of it
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It does set you back but it’s not a death nail in the whole situation
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What i mean is is that okay so as i mean it so the stereotypical dad gets
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Our father in the situation is gonna get angry and you know it’s the scary, mean guy
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Concept right so if i had done that right so when i was being poked
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And prodded had i responded in a way that would have justified i mean that would have been an
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Example occ like you were just saying see he is angry and out of control and and i’m scared and i need protection right
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Mm-hmm even if i even if you, do make that mistake you can i mean you
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Gotta get a handle on yourself real quick and then whatever the court tells you you need to do anger management class i mean you’re
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Gonna, add a whole extra lot of work and it’s gonna make it a lot more complicated but don’t allow
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that to crush
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Your spirit to think that you can’t ever win i mean the other thing on this is none of this especially with a
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Narcissist is easy right i don’t know, how
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many
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People think that they they get there they’re suspected narcissists back on the ropes i was talking about this in a video the other, day
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And they think they, won right it finally finally i got them, these people are amazing
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How, they can twist and turn and get out of things i think primarily it is is they don’t have
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Any empathy, and they don’t have any integrity and they don’t have
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Any guilt for what they’re doing so if they torpedo you or they lie, about you or they. They lie
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Saying that they didn’t do anything it doesn’t mean anything to him, whereas with us or with a normal you know
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newer neurotypical type person they, would feel guilty
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About it they’d have a hard time doing it these people don’t and you have to be aware of that because
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They, that their tenacity to not give up is is incredible yeah i know
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They, tend to be the worst divorces out there?
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i have a
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seven trial divorce and
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He was a contempt of court i think five of them quit his job during the
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Thing during the hearings to say he couldn’t afford, any kind of payment. Child support alimony i know
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He didn’t want any of his belongings and then accused me of stealing everything i mean it was just one game
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after another and
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No it’s it’s hard
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When you’re, down in the trenches and i know when people have children that
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Is the hardest part of all and oh yeah you’ve got children can, we talk to that a little bit
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you know absolutely i have three children i one just turned 18 and
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Then, my next which is my son and i have a daughter who’s 16 and then?
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My, youngest is 11 so i still have a
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Ways to go on this i mean so the first one is just entering in and entering in as an adult but i still have
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Let’s see so seven little over seven, years that i’m gonna, still be tied to this person on?
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you know on
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And pretty much a, daily, basis you know i mean it’s it’s a complicated situation, and and the thing is and you’re talking about this
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Like in your situation how. It just keeps going you know in a normal situation
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Okay, yeah people will be mad right i mean that’s that’s typical you know
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Your feelings are hurt or wherever but in a short period of time you calm down with a
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Narcissist it it doesn’t happen and like in your situation whenever this core stuff happened, my guess would
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Be that as you were trying to fight him, fighting you
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You’re, just feeding into his supply i mean so it was like it wasn’t stressing him out distressed and contrary it was stressing you out
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But it wasn’t necessarily doing anything negative for him
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And if he had the ability to still fight or pay for his attorneys you know
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It these, people will just keep going and going and going
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You know what i was gonna say is i mean so i’m at?
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My do i will have been divorced i think five years in june and then the separation
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Isn’t a god so august
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Will be six years separated the same silly stuff is going on the same behavior the only thing different
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That’s changed is my interaction with it but i guarantee you if i still interacted with
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Her the same way i did four or five years ago i would be dealing with the same
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Silliness and same you know really over nightmare, today it’s just i finally
0:15:18.340,0:15:25.480
Said i’m done with it just our learning and once i figure out, what i was dealing with started taking steps to to
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help, myself
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Deal with it create a better environment for our kids for my kids anyways
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To, try to stabilize, some things and that’s been a tremendous
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positive change with the kids so i
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Think it’s so important i was talking with, someone this week and
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It is about
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Them trying to cut. You down, and put you back that like crawled up like a little ball person and
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Yeah, when they get that when that happens
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They know that that works so they’re, gonna try it again next so yeah and so i was explaining to her to just like
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Except that this has happened and right now
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Your son is safe he might have threatened you he might have done all this
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And she’s ready to check into a hospital she was so crazed
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And fearful and i get the fear but, that’s what?
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He wanted that was all he wanted there he really, wasn’t gonna take
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Your kid he just wanna thank you like that because then now. You can’t tell motional control yeah now
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You, can’t help the child, because you’re a wreck and you’re crying can’t work
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And he’s financially refusing you so it is a cycle and the only, one that can, stop it is us
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We have the power to ruin, hey
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you know what that sucks but i see what it is and i’m gonna turn it around in my own mind and
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Not let it bother me and never let him know
0:16:52.300,0:16:57.789
That this hurt, me so that he doesn’t know that that, supply he tried works
0:16:59.090,0:17:05.499
Yeah, that’s where i mean and that’s that’s a really great point, and that’s where the gray rock technique comes in really handy
0:17:07.220,0:17:10.600
Are is critical because you, don’t want them to know
0:17:10.700,0:17:15.249
What gets to you right if if they see something they see you responding like
0:17:15.250,0:17:15.710
oh
0:17:15.710,0:17:19.509
You know she gets upset whenever i talk about you know. The
0:17:19.970,0:17:24.639
whatever you know her crap apps for whatever right there i mean whatever whatever did
0:17:25.160,0:17:27.279
Everybody, think it’s important
0:17:28.010,0:17:33.730
They’re, gonna target and on that mm-hmm get to the point to where you can just let
0:17:34.460,0:17:38.019
That stuff go because if you don’t
0:17:39.230,0:17:41.919
It’s gonna, consume you it’s gonna tear you apart
0:17:43.160,0:17:46.719
So thank you doing for coming and talking to us about
0:17:47.300,0:17:50.499
Surviving divorce i suggest that everybody, goes to his channel
0:17:51.050,0:17:53.800
male or female so even always says dad
0:17:55.580,0:17:57.580
great help and
0:17:58.010,0:18:03.460
Support. And there’s so many different factors that can, be affected when you’re, going through from child’s and
0:18:04.250,0:18:05.540
you know
0:18:05.540,0:18:08.440
Every single detail and if you’re, going through a, divorce
0:18:09.170,0:18:13.930
Talk, to dwayne, because he’s great and i want to thank you for joining me today, oh?
0:18:15.620,0:18:17.890
thank you tracy thanks for her i
0:18:19.070,0:18:22.330
really, appreciate it thanks for giving, me an opportunity to talk to your audience and and
0:18:23.090,0:18:26.440
Thanks for having me on that was a great conversation great thank you.
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