Financial abuse leaves victims in turmoil, friends judge victims for allowing this to happen. 85% of domestic abuse cases involve financial abuse. Victims feel shame, confusion, fear.
Once you understand the parts within yourself that allowed you to be controlled by the financial abuse of the narcissist, you will not only up-level to a self that is beyond anything you imagined, you will also bring forth more abundance into your life then you ever had previously.
WEBSITE – resources for victims – https://narcissistabusesupport.com
Transcription:
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hi there this is Tracy and today I want
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to talk to you about financial abuse and
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the many misunderstandings about
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financial abuse people who have been
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abused by a narcissist are victims and
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they are target’s
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they were sought out of a crowd and all
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mostly they had to pass tests with the
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narcissist to see if they were going to
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play the game that the narcissist was
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going to pull on them and so not all
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narcissists abuse can result in
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financial abuse it’s really about the
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victim and whether or not they have
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money that the narcissist once or assets
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and whether the victim is is willing to
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trust this person and as with any type
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of abuse financial abuse happens very
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subtly it’s not like boom they’ve stolen
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your money it’s something that
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progresses over time and it could be so
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stealth
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at first you don’t even know it’s
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happening and a common misconception is
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that that victims stupidly well you
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shouldn’t have given him any money you
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shouldn’t have done that why did you
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allow him to do that that’s the victim
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blame that we’re so used to people that
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don’t understand how this could happen
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just assume that we have handed someone
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our bank account and trusted them with
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our life but they were preyed upon and
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the wolf in sheep’s clothing came along
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they’re smooth talkers and they’re
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charming they’re a chameleon so they
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change for you to be what you want and
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for someone else they’re going to be
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something completely different and they
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give you empty promises of future before
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they financially abused you they have
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convinced you that you are their soul
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mate and you
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trust them and in order to trust them
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you start to share and mingle your
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finances and it could be as simple as
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they invite you to lunch and then they
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don’t have any money instead of thing
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like let’s split the bill I don’t have a
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lot before we get there you could just
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you know arrive and have no money I’m
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gonna say he a lot but it could be he or
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she they can drop subtle hints about
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something that they want but they don’t
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have enough money and of course there’s
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always excuses as to why they don’t have
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any money they’re testing you they’re
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testing you whether you’ll go buy them
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that new toy or whatever they were
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looking for or they needed they’re
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testing you
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they’re testing your love and so in
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order to prove your love you end up you
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know giving it to them because you want
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to out of your heart you’re in love that
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this person is your soulmate it makes
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sense but over time it evolved into
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something else and that subtle I don’t
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have the money for lunch
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turned into having them cosign for a car
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or even buying the car for them they’ve
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also if some not saying all of them will
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ask you to open up a separate bank
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account something that they can use to
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hide money from their ex for me my ex
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narcissus had me open up an account
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twice the first time I opened it of
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course he conned me into it and I wasn’t
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comfortable with this but the sob
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stories of the wife and wanting to have
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money and you know freedom yet it had to
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be in my name
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then I had to give him the debit card
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and if you think about that it’s it’s
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dangerous right he could have run up
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bills and that’s what a lot of other
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victims of financial abuse have is they
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get ahold of your social security number
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and they ring up all these bills and
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you’re liable for it
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for me opening up that checking account
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when my friends found out that I had
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done that one friend in particular she
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went ballistic and she made me go and
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cancel it March down to the bank and
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close that bank account out to get a
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money order and hand it to him but I
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didn’t discuss it with him I reacted to
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her reaction and I went and I closed it
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when he found out that I closed it he
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went apeshit apeshit crazy I’d ruined
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his life
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this was the secret to to how important
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you know how important my children are
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you’re hurting my children by doing this
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and he guilted me and guilted me into
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opening another account for him and
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giving him the debit card I was full
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twice and it doesn’t really feel good
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they’re masters at manipulation so it’s
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not your fault if this has happened
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because you’re just a victim that has
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been unlucky enough to fall prey but
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when you’re being financially abused it
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triggers fear and a wondering of how
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will I take care of myself and many
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times the reason that people go back to
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their abuser is for financial reasons
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they want to move out they want to get
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away they want to take their children
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but they’re financially bound with this
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person and they don’t see any way of
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getting out victims often feel shame and
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the fact that they’ve been fooled it’s
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embarrassing so you just don’t want
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people to know that
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and if we don’t get the help that you
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need and you suffer alone anxiety
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anxiety is a big one because now you’ve
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got to fix your credit and you just put
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in your mind okay I won’t be able to get
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a house now or I can’t do this or maybe
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I can’t provide for my children it can
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go so deep and victims are paralyzed by
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fear they don’t know what to do and they
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get so scared that they just freeze up
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it’s very common one thing that you can
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do is to guilt you into prove your
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devotion that if you loved me then you
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would do this for me
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and it really it makes you feel bad
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because you love this person and when
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they start to talk like that you start
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to question yourself and their goal is
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to take financial control of you another
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place I mean they’ve got control here
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they’ve got control there and now they
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are predators they are con men and women
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and they will steal your life savings
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and leave you in ruins other things that
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they can do are forbidding the victim to
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work or sabotaging their job very often
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I hear stories of the narcissist going
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into their place of employment and
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creating a ruckus and making it hard for
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you to keep your job or have you lose
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your job right there if someone’s
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controlling the way your money is spent
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and you are being abused if you’re given
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an allowance and not allowed to access
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your own money then you are being abused
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if they make banking decisions if you’re
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married to them and they make banking
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decisions without even talking to you
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then you’re being abused some victims
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are actually forced to write
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bad checks which ones their credit but
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it’s almost it is an abuser and they can
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run up large amount of debt and if they
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refuse to work that’s a really big one
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lots of people keep telling me that you
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know when they met their narcissist they
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had a good job seemingly at least and
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then they decided they weren’t going to
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work anymore and therefore you became
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the sole provider for your family and
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they are going to just continue to take
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that money from you
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they ruin your credit score and they can
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file false insurance claims this is a
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big one they are con artists and they
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will scam you if you’ve been married to
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a narcissist and you’re divorcing them
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they could definitely refused to pay
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support refused to pay child support and
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they also like to hide assets and not
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disclose everything about themselves
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when I was getting a divorce from to X
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you had to fill out this financial paper
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of your expenses and he had two thousand
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dollars a month for magazines seriously
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that is just to show that you know
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hopefully the judge realized that nobody
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could read two thousand dollars worth of
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magazines a month but they’re going to
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try everything they can to get more on
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their side than on your side so you know
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when you’re filling out those financial
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documents really look there’s over and I
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ended up having to go through all of our
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bills and all of our credit cards for
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the last year or two to write down how
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many magazine subscriptions well it was
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like two hundred dollars in a year so I
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don’t know
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I’ve got some ideas here to talk to you
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about how I was financially abused and I
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didn’t even realize how I was
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financially abused but these are
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climbing to other people and I’m just
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going to share them with you when I was
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at the height of my career working back
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in Connecticut he had me quit my job and
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he moved me across the country now this
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is also isolation right isolation from
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my family my friends and here was my
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career right so he’s moved me 2,000
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miles away from anything that I know and
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because he was the knight in shining
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armor and we had a lot less expenses
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when we moved here and he had a good job
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he didn’t want me to work and um while
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that seemed like a nice thing it didn’t
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hold me down I couldn’t not work I have
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so much to give him so much to share
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that I started my own business but he
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belittled it him and his family
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belittled it and thought that you know
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it’s so nice that she’s got her own
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business but they treated me as though
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it was a hobby and that’s financially
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abusing me not enabling me or
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encouraging me to be the person that I
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am today
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by having someone put you down it
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definitely belittles you and makes you
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unable to be yourself unable to do what
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you know you can do you need your person
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your other person to be your biggest
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supporter so I was financially dependent
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on him and when they pulled it out from
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under me and then sent me to some career
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counselor thing during the divorce to
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prove that I could make what I made when
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I was back in Connecticut that was just
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financially abusing me from the moment I
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met my second husband I was told as well
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as he not to save for retirement
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not to say for my son’s college that was
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coming up his family was very wealthy
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and they told us to enjoy our money and
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not worry about it because they had
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plenty of money and they were going to
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pay for my child to go to school and my
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husband was going to inherit millions
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when his parents died so don’t save I
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don’t know why I listened because in the
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end he was gone and I had no money saved
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for college and I have no son money save
0:13:16.950,0:13:23.160
for retirement so that was financially
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abusing me I should have been able to
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have the right to do it
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should have done it on the side I should
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have just snuck it and and I would have
0:13:28.950,0:13:31.830
been in a much better place but I
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believed I was married forever I
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believed I was going to be there and it
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wasn’t good um something that happened
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to me was that they bought me my ex
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in-laws and ex-husband I wanted nothing
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from their family and I always said that
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I always meant it
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I didn’t think that their money was our
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money and I thought it was kind of like
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wimpy of him to believe that he should
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rely on his parents money or wait til
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they die to get money that’s just crazy
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they would take us on extravagant crazy
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hundred thousand dollar vacations and I
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didn’t like going it it was an
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uncomfortable feeling to be taking their
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money and you ask me why I’m putting
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this part in about financially abuse
0:14:24.960,0:14:29.760
when they were buying me a fancy
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vacation was that they were trying to
0:14:29.760,0:14:35.880
buy me there were conditions there were
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things that I had to do in order to be
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rewarded for this vacation and part of
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it was in the false self that they
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presented
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to a segment of their family I had to
0:14:45.760,0:14:49.300
pretend that they were poor I had to lie
0:14:47.890,0:14:53.590
about the fact that I’ve been on this
0:14:49.300,0:14:57.690
vacation I had to not post anything on
0:14:53.590,0:15:03.100
Facebook that relatives could find and
0:14:57.690,0:15:06.400
one time I did post something and I was
0:15:03.100,0:15:09.460
like shattered that the family out of
0:15:06.400,0:15:11.620
meeting called me in and like yelled and
0:15:09.460,0:15:14.890
screamed at me that I had ruined their
0:15:11.620,0:15:18.910
life because I made a post at an airport
0:15:14.890,0:15:21.400
and bonus always really I’ve ruined
0:15:18.910,0:15:25.240
their life well they were living this
0:15:21.400,0:15:30.730
fake life this this pretend world that
0:15:25.240,0:15:32.710
you know it’s not my job to hide it
0:15:30.730,0:15:35.170
you’re taking me somewhere I’m gonna be
0:15:32.710,0:15:38.380
honest but when you live with people in
0:15:35.170,0:15:42.010
their life that are liars and you get
0:15:38.380,0:15:47.620
trapped into this lie you know it’s
0:15:42.010,0:15:52.960
crazy making and making me live for them
0:15:47.620,0:15:56.410
was abuse they promised my son’s feature
0:15:52.960,0:15:59.190
and his education and they pulled it out
0:15:56.410,0:16:03.070
from under us that’s abuse
0:15:59.190,0:16:04.810
his parents always kept money in like
0:16:03.070,0:16:07.330
three different countries that I know of
0:16:04.810,0:16:11.670
I’m sure there were more but they would
0:16:07.330,0:16:14.440
sneak into the country and they would
0:16:11.670,0:16:18.160
embezzle money out of Swiss bank
0:16:14.440,0:16:20.890
accounts and strap it to themselves but
0:16:18.160,0:16:22.060
then go through first class because you
0:16:20.890,0:16:25.060
know they’re not going to frisk the
0:16:22.060,0:16:27.760
first class people so they would take
0:16:25.060,0:16:30.220
all this money out and I remember one
0:16:27.760,0:16:34.810
time they made me carry $40,000 cash and
0:16:30.220,0:16:37.300
I was a wreck and another thing that I
0:16:34.810,0:16:40.450
can remember that they made me do one
0:16:37.300,0:16:46.300
time on this special vacation was I
0:16:40.450,0:16:48.460
think now it was a test and I was
0:16:46.300,0:16:52.060
horrified and apparently I didn’t pass
0:16:48.460,0:16:53.890
the test because what they were doing
0:16:52.060,0:16:54.910
was a simple thing when you’re going in
0:16:53.890,0:16:56.800
between South Amer
0:16:54.910,0:16:58.600
working countries or pretty much any
0:16:56.800,0:17:01.840
country right what’s the rule don’t
0:16:58.600,0:17:05.290
bring any food in don’t bring fruits and
0:17:01.840,0:17:06.700
vegetables and meat in right that does
0:17:05.290,0:17:11.380
you two not supposed to have that stuff
0:17:06.700,0:17:15.060
it’s like customs 101 and the family
0:17:11.380,0:17:18.940
planted all the food this fruit and
0:17:15.060,0:17:20.620
grapes and stupid stuff why am I talking
0:17:18.940,0:17:23.980
about this financially I’m on a tangent
0:17:20.620,0:17:26.740
sorry but it’s about how they test you
0:17:23.980,0:17:30.610
and how they tested me and what they
0:17:26.740,0:17:34.630
were doing was seeing how I was when I
0:17:30.610,0:17:37.420
got caught and the most horrifying thing
0:17:34.630,0:17:40.180
to me was I mean in some of these
0:17:37.420,0:17:42.250
countries there are armed guards I’m
0:17:40.180,0:17:44.530
talking machine guns over their shoulder
0:17:42.250,0:17:49.840
at the airport they’re not little TSA
0:17:44.530,0:17:51.820
people they are serious people that make
0:17:49.840,0:17:55.570
sure that you’re paying attention to
0:17:51.820,0:17:57.670
their laws and I got pulled out and I
0:17:55.570,0:18:00.550
got in trouble and I got pulled into
0:17:57.670,0:18:06.700
another room and interrogated and it was
0:18:00.550,0:18:09.070
scary ah yeah and they all walked away I
0:18:06.700,0:18:11.650
actually walked away got their luggage
0:18:09.070,0:18:19.450
and got into the limo waiting for us on
0:18:11.650,0:18:24.310
the other side all right I’m gonna talk
0:18:19.450,0:18:29.440
about putting me in charge of all the
0:18:24.310,0:18:31.810
money and then lying and I was in charge
0:18:29.440,0:18:34.900
of all the bills and we had plenty of
0:18:31.810,0:18:37.120
money it was really easy to do it but on
0:18:34.900,0:18:41.710
the flip side because they made me
0:18:37.120,0:18:43.450
responsible they turned around in court
0:18:41.710,0:18:46.210
and accused me of stealing their money
0:18:43.450,0:18:51.340
that’s financial abuse I didn’t steal a
0:18:46.210,0:18:52.930
penny I was so careful and if if there
0:18:51.340,0:18:55.780
was like a charge on there that
0:18:52.930,0:18:59.590
shouldn’t have been I called I was
0:18:55.780,0:19:01.840
really responsible and this typical kind
0:18:59.590,0:19:04.660
of behavior is the narcissist deflecting
0:19:01.840,0:19:06.520
what they’re doing onto you and they
0:19:04.660,0:19:07.960
point the figure and they make you feel
0:19:06.520,0:19:16.210
guilty they make you look
0:19:07.960,0:19:19.690
guilty this is abuse um and I’m going to
0:19:16.210,0:19:20.710
talk about 3x for a second here we’re
0:19:19.690,0:19:23.260
not married to him
0:19:20.710,0:19:25.300
but um for those of you who have watched
0:19:23.260,0:19:28.900
my youtube videos he’s the one who had
0:19:25.300,0:19:33.250
me arrested and that was to protect his
0:19:28.900,0:19:35.050
lies and his double life how he
0:19:33.250,0:19:37.030
financially abused me and I want you to
0:19:35.050,0:19:39.640
look at these things in your life and
0:19:37.030,0:19:43.870
look at the narcissist that are there
0:19:39.640,0:19:45.940
for you he abused me like by claiming to
0:19:43.870,0:19:47.170
be poor he said I had just been in a
0:19:45.940,0:19:49.810
relationship I just broke up with
0:19:47.170,0:19:51.550
someone who had lots of money so for me
0:19:49.810,0:19:54.670
I was like I don’t need money I don’t
0:19:51.550,0:19:57.100
want money I want a normal person and he
0:19:54.670,0:19:59.470
claimed to be poor he fit that mold of
0:19:57.100,0:20:02.350
what I was saying I needed or didn’t
0:19:59.470,0:20:04.270
care and then he would make me pay
0:20:02.350,0:20:05.560
because he didn’t have any money he
0:20:04.270,0:20:08.350
would make me pay for everything
0:20:05.560,0:20:10.300
vacations and dinners and I wanted to
0:20:08.350,0:20:13.210
because I wanted this relationship to
0:20:10.300,0:20:19.570
work I was in love with him he knew it
0:20:13.210,0:20:21.280
and he played that up and he would make
0:20:19.570,0:20:23.380
me pay for everything this is the one
0:20:21.280,0:20:25.810
that made me open the bank accounts in
0:20:23.380,0:20:28.960
the end I found out that he was making
0:20:25.810,0:20:31.480
you know three hundred thousand dollars
0:20:28.960,0:20:33.790
yet he borrowed money from me
0:20:31.480,0:20:36.370
he also conned me out of my belongings
0:20:33.790,0:20:39.160
he conned me out of my son’s xbox and
0:20:36.370,0:20:41.590
about a hundred games because he
0:20:39.160,0:20:43.810
couldn’t afford one and in the end he
0:20:41.590,0:20:46.870
took that and he took all the games and
0:20:43.810,0:20:49.150
he traded them in and he kept the Xbox
0:20:46.870,0:20:50.650
but he bought another one so that he and
0:20:49.150,0:20:55.900
his son could be playing on different
0:20:50.650,0:20:59.200
floors and he blamed all of his
0:20:55.900,0:21:03.730
financial trouble on his ex-wife and the
0:20:59.200,0:21:06.250
IRS and any claim that this is financial
0:21:03.730,0:21:08.620
abuse – he claimed that he couldn’t pay
0:21:06.250,0:21:12.130
for a nanny when he would go away on
0:21:08.620,0:21:14.400
business trips and so he would make me
0:21:12.130,0:21:17.850
or I wanted to
0:21:14.400,0:21:20.910
yes he made me but um take care of his
0:21:17.850,0:21:25.560
kid to me it was something that proved
0:21:20.910,0:21:33.120
me that he trusted me that he loved me
0:21:25.560,0:21:36.980
enough to have me watch his kid but he
0:21:33.120,0:21:40.940
could have afforded that nanny and I
0:21:36.980,0:21:43.920
believed that he had me watch his kid
0:21:40.940,0:21:48.270
certainly when the other woman would
0:21:43.920,0:21:50.610
come into town and he would take her to
0:21:48.270,0:21:54.300
a hotel Here I am paying for everything
0:21:50.610,0:21:57.720
and he takes her to a hotel the
0:21:54.300,0:22:01.050
financial abuse there is is that he
0:21:57.720,0:22:02.790
conned me and told me he was poor and I
0:22:01.050,0:22:06.660
believed him so I was willing to do
0:22:02.790,0:22:09.210
everything for him prove my love didn’t
0:22:06.660,0:22:13.230
I see these as red flags why didn’t I
0:22:09.210,0:22:16.890
see this as financial abuse if someone
0:22:13.230,0:22:18.480
is a narcissist or that you’re breaking
0:22:16.890,0:22:20.820
up with that you might suspect as a
0:22:18.480,0:22:23.670
narcissist I want you to remember that
0:22:20.820,0:22:27.420
they might know your passwords they
0:22:23.670,0:22:29.640
might know your credit cards call your
0:22:27.420,0:22:33.480
credit card companies and ask them to
0:22:29.640,0:22:35.700
change the number call your bank
0:22:33.480,0:22:40.350
make sure that you reset all your
0:22:35.700,0:22:43.110
passwords and make sure that your credit
0:22:40.350,0:22:46.950
is intact you can get a credit report
0:22:43.110,0:22:49.650
free every single year from Equifax and
0:22:46.950,0:22:51.450
and all of those those credit card
0:22:49.650,0:22:52.770
companies although those credit
0:22:51.450,0:22:55.440
reporting companies will give you one
0:22:52.770,0:22:58.470
free credit report check it make sure
0:22:55.440,0:23:00.600
that they didn’t like run up and and
0:22:58.470,0:23:04.380
take out credit cards in your name it’s
0:23:00.600,0:23:06.270
really important and hide all your
0:23:04.380,0:23:07.740
documents make sure they don’t have
0:23:06.270,0:23:10.650
access to your social security number
0:23:07.740,0:23:13.530
and your birth certificates insurance
0:23:10.650,0:23:16.380
cards loan information whatever you can
0:23:13.530,0:23:18.720
do your car title just take it and get
0:23:16.380,0:23:20.160
it off site put it in a safe deposit box
0:23:18.720,0:23:21.000
put it at your best friend or your
0:23:20.160,0:23:22.980
mother’s house
0:23:21.000,0:23:29.789
just make sure that
0:23:22.980,0:23:34.409
you’re protecting yourself ah the impact
0:23:29.789,0:23:37.799
of financial abuse is long-term and in
0:23:34.409,0:23:39.720
the short term it can actually mean you
0:23:37.799,0:23:42.330
have somewhere to live or not live and
0:23:39.720,0:23:46.609
without assets the survivors are often
0:23:42.330,0:23:50.100
unable to obtain credit and housing so
0:23:46.609,0:23:52.379
start protecting your money now and make
0:23:50.100,0:23:53.759
sure that you always protect it make
0:23:52.379,0:23:56.519
sure that if you get into another
0:23:53.759,0:24:00.149
relationship that it is fair that it is
0:23:56.519,0:24:01.549
equal and that no one should be asking
0:24:00.149,0:24:05.489
you for money
0:24:01.549,0:24:08.609
remember that financial abuse happens in
0:24:05.489,0:24:11.970
so many different ways and I just want
0:24:08.609,0:24:14.399
you to know it’s not your fault because
0:24:11.970,0:24:20.629
you’ve been conned you didn’t do
0:24:14.399,0:24:22.739
anything wrong now protect yourself and
0:24:20.629,0:24:25.470
make sure that they don’t have any
0:24:22.739,0:24:28.379
access to your money cut that tie as
0:24:25.470,0:24:29.249
soon as you can this is Tracy and that’s
0:24:28.379,0:24:32.509
all I got
0:24:29.249,0:24:32.509
have a great day
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