How to identify where you have not set boundaries and understand why this is so important.
I was not tuned into setting boundaries and in my life I always wondered why did things happen to me.
Transcription:
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Hi there this is Tracy and tonight, I want to talk about boundaries and
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For one I would like to say that I
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Didn’t know what a boundary was
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No one ever told me that
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That was something I should be doing or that I should have things named
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Things always happened in my life because I
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Apparently didn’t set boundaries and what that means is I didn’t stand up for myself for what I was thinking and what I needed and
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I’ll give you an example
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If you were going on vacation with your family and
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You really didn’t want to
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Go to a particular place
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Whether it was a location or while you’re on vacation
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maybe you want to sit at the beach and someone else wants to go to a museum and
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you go to the museum and then
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You don’t have a good time because you’re on vacation you want to be on the beach
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But by not telling anyone and not sticking up for what you really felt
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You didn’t have proper boundaries and this sort of thing happens in our life every single day
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Whether it’s setting a like
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Physical boundary and a physical boundary, let’s use
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This as an example if you have a boss and every time you wear a skirt
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He’s like googling at your legs rate, so that was a personal boundary. That’s space. That’s that’s you know kind of a bad thing?
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Emotional boundaries are what we’re really talking about here and
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When we don’t
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Know how to set a boundary we really can’t
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Judge ourselves, so this is the part I always say we cannot blame ourselves
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I am not blaming myself for the fact that I did not know
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About boundaries until a very few months ago
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and I can now look back at so many things in my life that really just
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To me off and I didn’t understand why someone always doing this to me and in reality
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It was me it was me allowing them to do that
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because
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They’re just seeing what they can get away with and
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They’re worried about their their wishes and so
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The first thing to do is to like figure out
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What are your boundaries?
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What are you absolutely?
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Dead set not doing maybe if you’re thinking about going on a date with someone and they try to
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Grab your hand as they’re walking into the movie theater
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And it’s your first date that might feel uncomfortable that might not be what you really want and yet
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What happens?
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You let him hold your hand and
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Then you think he’s a creeper, and you don’t go out with him again
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It wasn’t his fault
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It was mine if this was me
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Because I didn’t say you know what that doesn’t make me feel comfortable I’d rather get to know you a little bit better
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That would be a setting a boundary so start by identifying
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What don’t you want to do if you don’t want your?
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Your ex
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Ex-husband coming over and talking about his new girlfriend or his new wife
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If you don’t want that there’s only one way and that’s to tell him and so it’s not
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If it’s it’s your right to say you know what that doesn’t make me feel comfortable
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And I would really appreciate it if you didn’t do that
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that way if he
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fails at doing that
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Then you’ve got a reason to be pissed off at him because you’ve given him fair warning. We can’t
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like
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blame the narc or somebody
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For doing something that we never said was right
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It’s a it’s an old recording that goes through our head, but I
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Think that most of us actually can feel our
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intuition and
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Something’s just telling us. It’s not right
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You’ve had this feeling I know that you have
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Something’s just like weird and and but that’s how you’re gonna identify. This is a weird thing
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I don’t like it when my friend makes me stay out all night
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And I was going out for one drink, and I let her drag me around and I’m not happy
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It’s none of her fault
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She was just going with her plan
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If I don’t say you know what I have a good night, I’m going home
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It’s
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It’s a fine line. I’m not saying that things that narcissist try to get away with and usually do is
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Fair or right and and that in any way shape or form that they are not
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Responsible for doing the shitty things that they’ve done. I am saying we have to own this responsibility and
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in that responsibility of owning it we can just say I didn’t know I
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know now from this day forward
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How am I gonna react when that person comes over?
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How am I gonna react when?
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They’ve crossed a line, then. I don’t want to be with
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You know we’ve kind of learned one thing
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I think in society is is that you know we don’t want our friends to drive drunk
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We don’t want them to come out and all of us go out, and they’re the designated driver, and they’re drinking
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We aren’t really going to tolerate that someone’s gonna say you know if you’re gonna drink, then I won’t and give me your car keys
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we kind of can set that boundary, and it’s almost like it’s
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Something that we’re taught it’s something that we get drilled into us
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but when it’s a regular everyday a thing you might have a friend whose son is your son’s age and
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They always want you to drive everywhere. You are the designated driver
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she might be home laying in her pool, but you’re running around and driving the kids and taking them into everything and
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It was okay at first, but at some point
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It’s going to bother you. It’s going to like work inside your stomach and say I
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Feel, icky right, that’s the inner feeling coming into your body and saying
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This isn’t good, and it’s there. It’s good. It’s good that it the feelings there. It’s not good that
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It’s good that the feeling is there in your stomach
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It’s a war neo
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But something doesn’t feel right
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In the end you’ve probably been burned something like this before and your bodies just say no that’s not right so
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If you’re new at making boundaries like me I suggest that you
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Make small ones in your mind, maybe you won’t tolerate your
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Husband not putting down the toilet seat. That’s a small one
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How long have you been flipping the seat back and forth rate? We know I know you’ve done it
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But why don’t you just say that’s not get it you know just that’s not gonna work and and
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You might have to be a little bit
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Mean or bitchy you don’t forget angry. That’s different. You just have to be strong inside and say
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Please put down the toilet seat
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Please put down the toilet seat if it takes a while
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It’s okay and something like that because you know what?
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They haven’t been trained
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it’s like a dog you take and tell him to sit down if
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He never took him and told him how to sit down and then he didn’t sit down when he said sit
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You can’t blame the dog, right?
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We have to train people what we’re willing to take and what has happened in your life
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If you’re probably if you’re with narcissists probably
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That they test you and they see what they can get away with and if you don’t
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Define no that’s not good enough
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You’re with me on New Year’s Eve or that’s it
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that makes me feel really bad when you’re not and
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Then be willing to stand behind it
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Because it might be in that standing that someone has no new respect for you
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Someone says way to go
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You know I might not like it
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But it’s really good that you’re standing up for yourself and while we stand up for ourselves for little things
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We don’t get that feeling inside
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um that’s really important and
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As we get older I think these things can like keep compounding and compounding and compounding through our life
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and
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I
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think it’s
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it gets to a point where
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It hurts more if that makes sense you know the first time
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Second time it’s happening. They’re just being trained that we’re not gonna do anything. We’re gonna go in there close to seek
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You need to be around people that respect your boundaries, and this is the part about the narcissist as well
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If the narcissist is told your boundaries
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Then not doing it
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You have to make a choice you have to stand up for yourself and be strong and
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Say, that’s not good. Could you do it this way or I’m not comfortable?
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you have to be strong and you have to tell them and
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Be willing to walk away. Whether it’s a best friend for 40 years
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if someone
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knows what your
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Boundaries are and you’ve told them and they don’t respect it. You have to find other friends. It’s just a simple
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And know that your body is telling you
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Inside
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when that feeling comes
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that
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This isn’t good this
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Makes me feel. Icky don’t forget
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We don’t want to be a key never never never never so learn boundaries and stick by them
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They’re really important, and you will be happier
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Hi there I thought of something else I thought of a good example
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There are boundaries that you can set in a low medium and high priority
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I suggest that you write down on a piece of paper each
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Column and see if you can list out something that doesn’t bother you that much
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maybe they
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Leave the toothpaste open
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Then on the next level I want you to write down things that you know it
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kind of bothers you, but it’s not like you’re gonna walk out of the house and
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Then the third thing is
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when I say no, I mean no or whatever your
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Most important thing that really irks you
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What’s your boundary there and?
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Then write down. What would happen if the other person didn’t do it
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You’ll find that the small one right is
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Okay, I’ll live with that
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or
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Better yet tell them again
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Until we train them like the puppy, they’re not gonna know so
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Make a list make a priority and then think about
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What happens if they don’t do this? Are you willing to stand up for yourself?
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Just because you stand up for yourself doesn’t mean that the person isn’t going
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To honor your wishes, but the important thing is if they don’t
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You’re not valuing yourself
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We’ve made it really clear and you’re going to still feel like shit when they do it
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So try taking care of yourself and set a boundary oh
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If you want to subscribe to my channel my son keeps telling me I have to say that
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I would like that and if you leave comments below
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I am trying to answer all of them, so thank you
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