Learn the flags, understand how to protect yourself from narcissist in-laws. I married into crazy, nothing ever added up right, looking back at my journey I am sharing some of the crazy that should have been red flags.
Transcription:
0:00:00.030,0:00:04.770
Hi there. This is tracy. I [feel] like it’s been a while, and we made a video sorry everybody
0:00:05.670,0:00:08.819
Tonight, I want to talk about you. Can’t pick your family
0:00:09.460,0:00:11.460
And what I mean by this is
0:00:12.340,0:00:14.670
Actually not your family
0:00:15.670,0:00:17.670
[but]
0:00:17.680,0:00:20.579
your in-laws when we fall in love, we
0:00:25.570,0:00:33.389
don’t realize [that] we are marrying their family right because all of sudden there’s going to be like in fighting over holidays and
0:00:34.210,0:00:35.739
fighting about
0:00:35.739,0:00:37.739
how to raise our children or
0:00:38.440,0:00:42.300
When our vacations like if we have children?
0:00:43.030,0:00:45.989
Both sides of the family are going to want us for Thanksgiving or Christmas
0:00:46.329,0:00:50.549
And and it’s going to become something that you’re going to spend a lot of time
0:00:50.829,0:00:54.599
Maybe like me you’ll go on lots of [vacations] with your in-laws
0:00:56.260,0:01:00.690
[my] mother-in-law was by far a malignant
0:01:01.390,0:01:03.390
narcissist maybe sociopath
0:01:04.119,0:01:06.839
she was extremely scary and
0:01:08.710,0:01:12.360
I’m going to talk a little bit about this today, and then I’m going to talk about
0:01:12.909,0:01:18.059
What you should do if you’ve married into a mother-in-law or a father-in-law
0:01:18.490,0:01:25.290
That is a narcissist, so when we start with my examples because I think this will [help] you
0:01:27.369,0:01:33.809
Maybe connect to some of the pieces that might be happening in your life because we don’t really
0:01:35.170,0:01:39.239
until we hear someone else say it things start to click and so
0:01:39.939,0:01:42.179
how to start by saying that’s my
0:01:42.850,0:01:44.380
Ex-Husband’s
0:01:44.380,0:01:46.380
mother
0:01:47.649,0:01:52.709
What’s extraordinarily close to my husband not as much to his sister?
0:01:53.290,0:01:55.290
this was his stepmother and
0:01:55.540,0:01:57.100
she
0:01:57.100,0:01:58.570
um
0:01:58.570,0:02:00.570
when I first met her she
0:02:00.790,0:02:02.790
loved bombed me I
0:02:03.100,0:02:06.390
Didn’t know it then and I certainly didn’t know
0:02:07.000,0:02:09.869
It until a year ago when I started learning about
0:02:10.390,0:02:12.390
Narcissus and
0:02:13.380,0:02:15.380
you would buy me things and
0:02:16.960,0:02:22.650
just what to do in all these activities these mother-daughter things and
0:02:24.010,0:02:28.289
get our nails done together go get massages together and I
0:02:29.110,0:02:30.960
Thought it was just an endearing thing
0:02:30.960,0:02:37.980
I didn’t realize it was all about control, and I didn’t realize what she was doing which was
0:02:38.530,0:02:43.020
Buying my love, but even more than that it was laying my loyalty
0:02:43.600,0:02:47.189
because what I was about to find out was how
0:02:47.590,0:02:53.070
Batshit crazy the entire family was I look at things that I thought that they were
0:02:53.800,0:02:55.090
right
0:02:55.090,0:02:57.090
good family I
0:02:57.220,0:03:02.220
Wanted a good family. [I] had a family that didn’t see each other in holidays
0:03:02.220,0:03:07.230
[I] wanted a good family that loved each other and spent lots of time together and
0:03:07.930,0:03:09.610
so
0:03:09.610,0:03:16.830
They painted themselves. Just like a narcissist does into morphed it into what I’m looking for and
0:03:17.530,0:03:20.250
So what they reality was
0:03:20.860,0:03:24.540
Was that there was so much fighting within this family?
0:03:24.880,0:03:32.309
I’ve never seen anything so crazy in [my] life to go on vacations with them for two weeks and a week here and there and
0:03:34.420,0:03:42.119
Any given point somebody was screaming at somebody usually it was the mother she was screaming at the father?
0:03:42.490,0:03:44.490
She belittled him
0:03:44.560,0:03:46.560
she
0:03:47.470,0:03:53.820
It was it was the most horrible thing to watch the way. She treated him, and then as soon as he would speak up
0:03:53.820,0:03:58.200
she would like she was like this this dragon coming down and
0:03:58.690,0:04:02.760
she would attack him and she would call him names and call him stupid and
0:04:03.520,0:04:07.649
Tell him that that he wasn’t capable of managing their estate
0:04:07.900,0:04:11.610
You know if she were to die because he was so irresponsible
0:04:12.340,0:04:20.040
So she was like putting him down. Which is the devaluing rate? It’s it’s this pSychological control
0:04:21.640,0:04:28.049
And then you know as soon as something bad would happen just like you [then] abusive shit soon something bad would happen
0:04:28.900,0:04:33.570
Like they would start to love bombing thing again to try to make you forget
0:04:33.970,0:04:39.149
What you just seen this crazy behavior. I remember one thanksgiving rate
0:04:39.310,0:04:42.570
we were probably saving 20 people for dinner and
0:04:42.790,0:04:49.290
The whole family was in the kitchen chopping chopping chopping and and we each have our little jobs. We were in charge of and
0:04:50.350,0:04:51.580
like
0:04:51.580,0:04:53.580
‘ok skipping it in New England
0:04:53.710,0:05:01.620
It’s pretty cold and the father would like open the doors because all the ovens were on and a fly came in one year
0:05:02.320,0:05:09.059
Apply in the kitchen. They had like 12 foot ceilings and the father goes and gets a can of raid and
0:05:10.030,0:05:12.030
sprays it I’ll
0:05:12.610,0:05:17.430
Try to get the bug off the fuming well all the things even food is down low
0:05:19.450,0:05:21.809
and the mother screaming a bed that
0:05:22.510,0:05:24.040
ugly ugly
0:05:24.040,0:05:25.570
but I
0:05:25.570,0:05:32.879
Also, thought that they were very accepting so we I thought they were good family and clearly they weren’t the fighting was was the reality
0:05:32.950,0:05:38.759
But they were hiding it for me. I thought they [were] very accepting of me you see I was different
0:05:38.760,0:05:44.879
I was not the debutante and I was acceptable to the mother
0:05:45.280,0:05:48.089
apparently he had been in another [relationship] and
0:05:49.570,0:05:54.390
the mother didn’t approve of that person and made him leave her so
0:05:55.270,0:05:59.400
Knowing that I’m pretty sure I know what happened with me as well, mommy
0:06:00.010,0:06:03.809
Didn’t like that. I found out about the mask but um
0:06:04.750,0:06:11.399
They were accepting and then they worked they were trying to change me they complained about the way I ate
0:06:12.100,0:06:14.100
I’m sorry, but I’m
0:06:14.530,0:06:21.899
Well into my life, and if I don’t like fish, I don’t like fish [they] [wanted] me to see a food psychologist
0:06:21.900,0:06:25.470
They were trying to make me crazy. [there’s] nothing wrong with the way
0:06:25.470,0:06:28.470
I eat each one of them had their own little things they didn’t like
0:06:28.990,0:06:31.740
But it was not acceptable that I
0:06:33.550,0:06:35.389
Didn’t like fish
0:06:35.389,0:06:40.599
[than] the wyatt bothered [them], but this was like a red flag why wasn’t it a red flag?
0:06:40.850,0:06:42.879
This is [a] red flag [that] they didn’t
0:06:43.460,0:06:46.180
approve of me and they were judging [me] and
0:06:47.539,0:06:50.379
Belittling me for eating differently than them
0:06:51.110,0:06:52.940
they weren’t like
0:06:52.940,0:06:55.899
Crazy good Eaters, they were stupid eaters
0:06:56.720,0:07:01.690
[if] the class money it was worth it. It was something they liked you know truffles or this or that
0:07:02.449,0:07:08.679
Quail eggs who takes quail eggs on a plane. That’s just [freakin] weird and um so I
0:07:10.220,0:07:15.309
saw the [mask] fall in the most horrendous way and
0:07:16.340,0:07:18.080
We were on vacation
0:07:18.080,0:07:19.130
in
0:07:19.130,0:07:27.130
Argentina and the Airlines were going to go on strike, and we were taking one plane to another location [bar] [leche] and
0:07:29.030,0:07:33.339
We were stuck in the airport waiting to find out if the airlines were going on strike
0:07:34.009,0:07:40.479
And so I I put something on my Facebook wall and just said you [know] oh
0:07:41.570,0:07:49.509
Gosh, please don’t let the airlines go on strike. Well, they were such terrible liars they had lied to their entire family
0:07:50.570,0:07:57.699
You know the dad’s entire family they pretended they were poor there was just like all this stuff that I was having to cover
0:07:58.099,0:08:00.519
but when I made [that] Facebook post
0:08:01.039,0:08:02.900
It was like
0:08:02.900,0:08:06.370
You’ve never seen anything like this in your life, my father-in-law
0:08:07.490,0:08:14.859
Lost it. He was screaming at the top of his lungs at me in a hotel room telling me that I ruined their life
0:08:16.070,0:08:23.139
Explain to me how I could ruin their life by posting that they don’t want the airlines to go on strike
0:08:23.139,0:08:27.668
And I didn’t say where I was I had to pretend. I wasn’t in Argentina
0:08:28.789,0:08:30.590
[but]
0:08:30.590,0:08:36.190
That was a lie that they were making me keep so in order to keep me they were
0:08:36.979,0:08:40.179
They weren’t deliberately trying to buy me
0:08:41.040,0:08:43.040
and by me with love and
0:08:43.630,0:08:47.220
Buying you with [things] inand I’m not saying it was a goal figure
0:08:47.220,0:08:51.179
But the father called me a [gold-digger] that day because of the Facebook post
0:08:52.180,0:08:57.720
That’s when the mask fell that’s when he couldn’t pretend that
0:08:57.720,0:09:02.040
He’d loved me like it was this bizarre thing and 24 hours later
0:09:03.040,0:09:09.899
It was like nothing happened, and that was just weird that was crazy [asked] weird. They had a grandfather
0:09:10.420,0:09:13.800
pretend person that used to come with us and he would like
0:09:15.340,0:09:18.869
slap the sister in the middle of a five-star restaurant and
0:09:19.540,0:09:25.889
scream on the streets as he was walking along that he wanted his passport back, and he wanted to go home and
0:09:26.650,0:09:30.959
He would be yelling at them, so this is the crazy behavior all right. Sorry I
0:09:31.480,0:09:34.800
Tend to go [awful] [alright]. So here’s what you’re going to do if
0:09:35.650,0:09:38.040
you have married into a
0:09:38.710,0:09:40.710
[family] of crazy
0:09:40.810,0:09:43.890
first of all put up boundaries
0:09:44.650,0:09:49.079
No, I’m not going to lie for you. That would have been a good boundary
0:09:49.600,0:09:57.210
No, even though I would say over and over no. I don’t want prada shoes. No. I don’t want whatever you’re trying to buy me
0:09:57.880,0:09:59.020
[I]
0:09:59.020,0:10:05.009
Didn’t stick my boundaries enough because then they would sneak it in and I’d have to accept
0:10:07.210,0:10:14.189
but my boundaries were not comfortable, and I didn’t stick up for myself, and that’s what I’m [encouraging] you to do because
0:10:15.310,0:10:19.830
Look at what they’re doing. That’s bad and then look at how it
0:10:20.740,0:10:22.740
makes you feel and
0:10:22.780,0:10:28.739
Set a boundaries if they decide to just pop over your house and expect you to drop everything
0:10:29.140,0:10:31.140
Or see your children
0:10:31.420,0:10:34.320
Set a boundary if you don’t set boundaries
0:10:34.750,0:10:39.570
there’s no one to blame but yourself and if your husband or
0:10:39.880,0:10:46.919
your wife doesn’t respect that boundary as a couple you’re in trouble because
0:10:47.410,0:10:50.369
Like my husband was Mama’s boy
0:10:50.990,0:10:54.020
and you know if I even thought of
0:10:55.230,0:10:59.570
Disobeying mom or not being the dutiful
0:11:01.020,0:11:08.869
daughter-in-law if I spoke up if I [made] friends with the aunts and uncles that they were lying to they didn’t like it, so
0:11:11.130,0:11:14.809
Set your boundaries most important and do not
0:11:15.540,0:11:17.540
Do not accuse
0:11:17.820,0:11:20.029
Your mother-in-law [of] being a narcissist
0:11:20.790,0:11:25.130
That is when the mask is going to fall they’re going [to] freak out
0:11:25.860,0:11:30.770
they don’t want to be confronted with this nor does any other [narcissists] right, but
0:11:31.860,0:11:33.950
You have [to] [learn] the red flags
0:11:34.649,0:11:40.339
If you don’t learn the red flags and see these behaviors like I didn’t see these things I was in it
0:11:40.339,0:11:43.009
[I] was living this and I did not see
0:11:43.950,0:11:45.950
What they were doing [to] me
0:11:46.170,0:11:48.170
Now that I see the red flags
0:11:49.110,0:11:51.110
It would never happen to me again
0:11:52.260,0:11:55.549
So I encourage you set good boundaries
0:11:57.779,0:11:59.779
discuss them with your husband and
0:12:00.720,0:12:03.440
Not only set the boundaries in your mind
0:12:04.230,0:12:06.230
Patel your in-laws
0:12:06.990,0:12:08.990
This is what I?
0:12:09.180,0:12:12.289
will tolerate this is not acceptable [and]
0:12:13.110,0:12:20.180
I’m not going to come to your house on thanksgiving if you treat me like that. Whatever it is if you don’t set the boundaries
0:12:21.870,0:12:25.370
you’re going to be in trouble, so take [care] of yourself and
0:12:26.580,0:12:32.419
make sure that you work dis all together as a family be careful of accusing them of being a narcissist because
0:12:32.730,0:12:38.150
We know they won’t like [that], and I don’t want them to lash out at you any worse than they already do
0:12:38.520,0:12:41.539
This is tracy and that is all I have thank you.