The last thirty days I have learned more about myself then I have learned in 55 years. I have learned new terms, a new language and YouTube has been here to teach me. I feel like I have gotten a lifetime of knowledge by watching and listening to real people’s stories. I learned what a narcissist is, what a sociopath is, what a codependent is and what it means to be a victim. I would never have said the word victim about myself but the more I learn the clearer it becomes. I have heard that it’s not my fault, as a child in a very disfunctional house I learned to cope in a few ways. First by hiding my head in the sand, most people say this is the only reason I did survive when the rest of my family fell. If I went along thinking that life was fine… If I loved men as much as I could surely they would live me back.
My friends who have loved me for all my life, know I would do anything for them. Know my heart is true and loyal. I am successful in my self taught career, I have an amazing child about to graduate college and my life seems to be filled with drama.
My mantra for years has been not my monkeys, not my circus. Yet the drama followed me, I would say- I know CRAZY! And trust me I knew it so well I was sucked up in it and kept lowering my bar, lower and lower because I became afraid to love. So less was ok, this way I wouldn’t get hurt. Save my heart by keeping it locked with a key. Still enjoying my friends and my life I have made for myself.
I was a target for two narcissist men and I never knew it. I fell for every trick in the book.
WEBSITE – resources for victims – https://narcissistabusesupport.com
Transcript:
Hi, my name is Tracy and I am really trying to learn how to become a survivor being in a narcissistic social use 55 years, and I have learned more in the last month about my life than I ever have. I have learned a lot about the people in my life and the people that I’ve chosen to be there.
Men, mostly but I think more about family is coming to mind as I dig deeper into learning about narcissists and socio-pats in not a doctor, a very loving, kind, sweet, wonderful co-dependent.
It’s also not a word I knew ever before but what I wanna start doing is making a series of videos, usually at night because I work, like your crazy girl. All the LAN and I would really like to help somebody else by teaching you a little bit about my story and my story with a nurses or two nights. We flag that. We’re gonna talk about the first in my series and it is a.
You see it nurses red flag number one, and that’s called love bombing and love bombing means that when this person meets you, they absolutely adore. You, they can’t get enough of you there’s, you know, text every five minutes there’s calls, they’re seeing you, there’s never leaving there’s is this amazing sense of getting to know you, getting to really understand everything about you and empathizing with everything in your life, loving you bringing you flowers. And I’m gonna tell you about two men and in my series here, two men and we’ll probably dig into family as well, when it applies, but we’re gonna talk about when to calm. We’re gonna call in to X and two X came to me. I was working with him, and when I was going through a divorce, I was probably at that point at the lowest point of my life I had made the decision to leave my first husband and my son’s father because we weren’t right together, and I really didn’t think that my son should learn that that was what love is about, and I thought I could teach him enough about love, even by myself. than have him learned the wrong thing about love. So I was going through a divorce and it wasn’t easy, it was a very difficult divorce financially. And just emotionally, but I knew it was right, I knew I had to do it to preserve myself and that is exactly when I met my two X, which would be my second husband.
He was charming beyond the charm, I mean, people called him Prince Charming and with Prince Charming comes a castle, and with the Castles Castle terrors on the top of their house and outrageous vacation and a outrageous amount of gifts. We would go shopping and for here a year, a year and a half, I wouldn’t even let him buy me dinner, I felt so guilty because he was very wealthy, and I didn’t want him to think that I was after, him for as well as other people had been so I really wanted to just make sure that the money and that things were not part of it, and I didn’t take anything, I would pay my own way. And he hated that, but it was me, I lived in it, he also wouldn’t sleep with me until I was completely 100 percent divorced. It was all very fast though. He was living at his mommy and daddy’s Castle. When I met him, and because of me, he moved into his first apartment and of course I organized all the shelves and I read things and I took him shopping and we got dishes and we started to nest within a month and a half. I think going through the divorce, certainly pushed us into more time together, than I would have ever had but as a condition of my divorce, I was told by the judge that I had to be out of my own home for two nights a week as well as one, as we both had to be out of the house and then we had to co-exist for the other three days or he worked or something, and at that point, we couldn’t afford to be separated, we didn’t have the money to get to places to live and so it was quite ugly and I ended up being wooed by two X and two eggs would not just by me, one pair black shoes, he would go and he would buy me ten he started taking me to a store and can entice that was very much like a Pretty Woman store bags. People dressing you bringing you things into the dressing room. And his family welcomed me with open arms, they were instantly here, our family, or our family, and they welcome to my son into their life as well.
And that all I ever went to was a family and people to run in and I guess rescue us just be there don’t save for college, and we’ve got it, we’ve got so much money we have… as has that cost more than that. Those are the things that I would be told, because me… now I know that that’s called Mirroring and they’re telling you what you wanna hear. But I didn’t know that then I really believed it.
So, red flag number one I jumped to another one. It’s love bombing and that amazing gifts those, those things that he would do to make me happy, to do things that I wanted to do to come to my soccer games and baseball games and do what I needed to get done. He was love bombing me, he was showing me, he could be a father, he could be perfect, everything would be great. We entertained we cooked, we had so much fun together and again everybody thought pre-terming right there.
That’s my story of two X’s, love warming. The acts who I was not married to me, I might tell more about miler but this is still just too emotional at this point. The had also just been through a divorce, I was throw my second divorce, and my second divorce, was said by the judge that it was the most tortured divorce that had ever come across the Benton or a town moved me across the country away from my friends and family, which is also a nurse is re-flag. Didn’t know that anyway to go-go.
Three X three X. I really wanna use their names. I used to offer legal… I’ll find out and then we’ll be able to identify these son of a bitches so that maybe I can also not be food. There’s so many out there, and they look for people like me, they look for co-dependence, they look for people that are really good-hearted people that will do anything for them, love them, do everything for them. I did everything for these last two men and three C used me and used me and in the beginning, his love bombing was intimacy, his love bombing was being there for me was supporting me in in a nurturing way, after my second divorce, I didn’t feel beautiful, I didn’t feel that anymore. Whatever love me again. So, he swooped in and he would, he had a key to my apartment in less than two weeks. It’s really weird to me now. I never had a key to his and two and a half years, but he had me and he took advantage of me. Are money did all on to bad things, but he loved on me in the beginning. Trials Of cup keeps and he pings that he would do.
He did everything he wanted to, to really make me feel safe, and comfortable. So my lesson is true stories about love bombing and I hope this video helps somebody be careful if it comes too fast, it’s probably not good.
I will survive by educating myself.
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