Or are we preprogramming but the messages we got when we were raised. I never wanted to blame anything on my upbringing but now that I have opened that world I see it so clearly. It was a pattern I was used to.
Hi there, this is Tracy and today I’m gonna talk about abandonment, and I’m gonna look at whether abandonment or pre-programming and set sail as a familiar pattern. When your childhood as a pattern of abandoned you hide your head in the sand because all of your life, you’ve used it as a tool for survival in being abandoned as familiar.
You kind of get used to it.
You make excuses, you don’t see patterns of dysfunction. A few months ago, before my awakening, I was out with friends and I was telling some stories, everybody was at the table, stories of my dating life and things that I was remembering. It wasn’t a laughter. A lemon drop. I looked at when I had just said through the new filter that I now have a armor.
It all started with my parents getting a divorce when I was about five, and my mother remarried my stepfather, which seemed to be like no time at all in the life of a five-year-old.
I really don’t even know how long it was, it just seemed like it was the next day, I’m sure it wasn’t in high school. I never really had a boyfriend not like the other girls, I had a myriad of theaters that were just never right.
The man that I had a total high school crush on. You know, the kind that the girls would be in the car and when you drive by his house and seeing if he was at his desk or may be playing basketball and I way that was a big score, why we never suspected that they thought it was weird that we were driving by his house on a dead-end road.
I’ll never know we start of dated and… but not really because you wouldn’t claim.
I guess I got east of that pattern.
He went off to Dartmouth, and I went to visit at his request, I got there and he ignored me.
Ten years later, he invited me to California.
It was my first ship alone and I planned a week, I got there. He ignored me again. I ended up picking my first self-journey up and down the California coast with my head spinning, what was I didn’t know going to be the pattern of my life, I guess I was Charmed and I kept coming back.
I did I forget about Dartmouth and his abandoning me. These patterns I see now, look back. And I guess I lacked self-esteem, respect and I allowed myself to be abused.
Was this abandonment or pre-programming? The next or I wanna tell you is, as someone in my 20s there was a belief, a little romantic thing. I worked with this man and we were full out having a wonderful affair and he would always spend time at my house, he would always be with me. We work together, we worked in the same state, he lived in New York and I never went to his house, I didn’t, I think that was weird. It was on Valentine’s Day that he had plans and he had other things that he was going to do that night I believe he said it was his mother. We’re going back 30 years ago but had a Valentine’s lunch got my dosing roses we had sex everything was lovely. However, when he came into work the next day he was engaged, I never even knew he had a girlfriend. How about happened.
This is not an uncommon pattern for me, but two more to tell you.
So the next pattern of being abandoned and accepting less and staying with people that don’t let me was a mandate through my 20s entire 20s. I lived with him for eight years.
It with him, spent holidays with his family, and yet he would not tell his family that we were living together. One would go to their house for a holiday. It’s been his sister from ’cause they do didn’t know eight years, he loved going to weddings.
Oh my god, one summer, I think he was in eleven wedding, it was just… we would travel all across the country to go to a wedding, ’cause he was a best man or he was in the wedding somehow, and yes, he wanted to get married, but he didn’t, he just didn’t wanna marry me when I gave him the Alto made him marry me or I’m out of here, he ended up leaving and he was married six months later and 30 years later, he’s still married to her.
That’s great, but he just didn’t want to marry me. Why did I stay for a year to What was I thinking? This pattern whether it’s abandonment or patterns in your life, has held me hostage get less than what I deserve. It’s only when we see these patterns that we are given the tools to look through life with a different filter. And I think for me, I’m going to be on my guard and I will put up this protection that will stop me from taking less than I deserve, taking crumbs when I deserve not just the piece of cake, but the whole fucking cake. I want that some day when I’m ready and I’m not gonna take less. And I suggest that you go back and look at patterns, patterns in your life.
Partners with the relationships and look at them through the new filter that we hope that you’re getting here.