When you send your children off to visit the parent narcissist, worry consumes you, they come home angry or withdrawn. How can this be fair? How do you protect your children from abuse at the hands of their other parent.
I found the is article on the Huffington post by Bonnie Koehn she gives us ten tips to helping your children and give them the best chance at surviving abuse.
Please read the article here
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/helping-children-cope-with-a-narcissistic-parent_us_58a14996e4b0cd37efcfea80
THANK YOU BONNIE!!
Transcription:
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Hi there this is Tracy when you know what child is going to have to coexist with a narcissistic parent long term
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It’s important to help them develop a strong sense of self
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so that they can
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Stand up for themselves when it’s needed
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Today we’re gonna. Talk about co-parenting with a narcissist, and I’m gonna read an article
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From The Huffington Post and I think that you’re going to enjoy it, but people in my support groups or
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People that I coach I often hear the same exact fear the thinker that I had
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It’s it’s hard to advice my children to my ex
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Because I know how abusive they were to me. How do I?
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Like get through that it hurts and you’re scared for your children
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And then how do you talk about?
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their narcissistic parent to them when they come to you so
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When they come back sometimes they’re confused and sometimes they’re real silent about it
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But how do you talk to them about it when they are concerned because we’re not supposed to take sides. We’re not supposed to
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Talk bad about the other one narcissist. Don’t necessarily honor that rule
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and a lot of us know that your exes talk crap about you and basically poison or
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Child alien parental alienation is when the mother is trying to get the kids away from the father or vice versa
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So we’re all really scared for our children, and I know I hear this one a lot because we all talk about when a
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narcissist how a Narses has got to be a narcissist right that’s just like question marlowe three and
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a lot of the answers have to do with childhood trauma it has to do with if their parents were cray-cray and
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Narcissists then they built that around themselves for protection so that they would
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Be able to withstand the abuse that they were getting so
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How do we not worry about my children going off with this maniac
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Like shouldn’t the judges the laws the police students somebody be there to protect my children and what do I do?
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How do I handle this this article was written by Bonnie?
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Cohen for the
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Huffington Post and she gave me permission to read it to you
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and I read it to my meetup group last week and with a 50/50 split of children of narcissistic parents and
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people divorcing or co-parenting with it a narcissist everyone got something out of this article, so I’m gonna share it with you now a
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Child’s heart and mind can struggle when faced with confusing behaviors of a narcissistic parent
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kids naturally want to trust and feel safe with their parents
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But this can become tough when they begin to realize that the parent may be
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chronically dishonoured or self-centered or when the parent
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displays other narcissistic behaviors such as gas lighting
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projection or creating alternative versions of reality
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People who displayed narcissistic traits
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Aren’t often capable of the kind of selfless love that parenting requires
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They may truly feel that they love their children to mend asleep, but egoless
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Unconditional love is not something they know how to do
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consistently provide
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To them a child is a mirror a validation of the good in them they can’t necessarily see the child as a separate being
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Worthy of love and acceptance just for existing
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Children of these kind of parents learn to feel that their parents love has to be earned
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Or if they do or say anything in opposition to that parent that they may be silenced
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rejected or made to feel
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unacceptable
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And they learn to walk on eggshells
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If not taught the importance of trusting themselves and valuing their own feelings and opinions
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These children can become anxious and afraid
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Molding into what they feel their parents wants them to be in order to receive love and acceptance or to avoid anger
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They may eventually struggle to establish
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Boundaries in their adult life you know
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Here are a few things children
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There are a few things children of parents with narcissistic tendencies can benefit from learning early on
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Number one you are your own person you do not have to think look feel
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Behave speak or believe the same as anyone else
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You are entitled to be separate and a valued entity
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number two
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You are allowed to speak your mind
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You must not be afraid of angering someone if you disagree with them their anger is not your responsibility
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Number three
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You’re accepted and loved exactly how you are
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You do not have to earn love by being what anyone else wants you to be you
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Do not need to put on a show to receive love
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Number four
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Everyone loves differently some people love
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unconditionally and some people don’t you can’t make someone love you in a way that they don’t know how and
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This is never a reflection on you
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Number five your words matter your thoughts matter
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You just have as much right to be here and heard as anyone else
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Number six you are trusted and will always be heard and believed
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Number seven you will always know in your heart, what is true?
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Trust your sense of right and wrong, and if you get confused talk it out
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Number eight
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Love is what people do not what they say
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Number nine
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People demonstrate that they care about you in their own way
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It may sometimes feel different from what you have learned to perceive as love, and that’s okay
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You were always good enough you were always wanted, and you weren’t always accepted that’s number 10
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These points can be broken down and taught in various age-appropriate ways if a child has a sense
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That something is off for the parents. They can simply be taught the basic principles about love
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respect and
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boundaries
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They don’t need to learn what narcissistic behavior is
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Or that their parent may be demonstrating it
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Their parent may not be brought into this lesson at all
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The child only needs to learn the value of their independence their separateness
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their right to be and to speak and to think
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They need to learn the value of honesty, and the importance of allowing not allowing anyone to twist their reality
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They can be taught to check with trusted adults when they feel confused about the world
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When you know a child’s going to have to coexist with a narcissistic parent long term
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it’s important to help them develop a strong sense of self so that they can stand up for themselves when needed and
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not allow the parent to make them feel that they are simply an extension or showpiece a
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Few lessons early on can provide a child with the strengths and skills that they need to
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Prevent themselves from becoming a source of narcissistic feed isn’t that what we wanted here
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when fortified with self-worth and boundary setting skills a
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Child has a far better chance of coming out of a narcissistic family with strong
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confidence and a healthy ability to recognize integrity and
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unconditional love I
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Hope that this story helped you I know that it helped me and it has helped many people since I have read it to them
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as well
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Like to think Bonnie come on for this, and if you are looking for some help
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Please go to my website narcissists abuse support calm
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And we’ve got a full list of resources for you
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trauma is something that we all struggle with and
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Unless we get the help that we need
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Unless we get the help our children need
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They could easily have a fate like we did, so let’s protect our children from the trauma
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Let’s try to be the calm ones and let’s try to teach them resilience
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This is Tracy and that’s all I got
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Thanks
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