We’ve all met a guy or girl who has a crazy ex. but, when you’ve got a narcissist on your hands, you’ll see early in the relationship that they almost always tell you some horror stories about their ex or exes.
They may say they were cheated on or that they were verbally and emotionally abused. You’ll end up feeling sorry for them, and that’s the goal.
When narcissists find a new partner they play the victim, masterminding scenarios about their “crazy ex”.
However, if you listen to them talk about their exes or family members who no longer talk to them, their stories don’t add up. It is not uncommon for narcissists to have little contact with their relatives, or to learn that many of the narcissist’s relatives don’t talk to them!
The narcissist will often use the same excuse as to why none of his/her relationships have worked out. For example, their family members and ex-lovers are all crazy; or they have a bipolar disorder, are addicts, alcoholics, “bad people” or “poor parents”. You feel bad for them as they seem to have had such terrible luck with all the wrong people. You stick up for them.
However, there is a high likelihood that many of these people probably aren’t crazy or bad at all. They are just regular people that found out the truth about the narcissist and removed themselves from his or her life.
How can you check this storyline
We had a crazy ex so what is the difference between us and them? Lessons learned. Look at all the work you are doing to figure this crazy ex out. When you eventually go out there to date again you will have tools and words that describe what happened. You probably will have a story about how you were unaware this type of person existed and you will have lessons learned. Ask them as many questions as you can about these past “crazy” people in their lives and wait… and listen. Do they have any accountability? If you have done your work you will understand the role you played in this crazy relationship. Even if the role is that you didn’t know what was happening, or, you learn you were raised by a person with a narcissistic personality disorder, these lessons open understanding about something you didn’t understand the complexity of. Are they taking responsibility for their part in keeping the cycles going?
Whatever you do, never ever take someone’s word for the crazy people in their lives. I can see a crazy ex and even a crazy family but look for their friend pool. Do they have friends? Lifelong, be there if you need them, friends? Of course, in the beginning, they could lie, but over time you need to see if they are reaching out and making plans to see their friends. You want to determine if their friends are calling them to make plans. This will show you if they are stable enough to keep friends. We have already accepted (with some proof) the crazy family and maybe ex but other relationships are important too.
Narcissists often hate their bosses; they are all stupid and don’t know what they are doing. The narcissist sees themselves as smarter and they are often jealous of the boss. Further, they don’t like being told what to do by someone they consider below them. Evaluate all these things and be very careful what you share.