Have you noticed this? If you have been involved in any kind of relationship with a narcissist, it will become obvious that drama and chaos are stirred up around your special days, be it a holiday, birthday, anniversary, etc. AND, it is very likely that you will be shaking your head saying,
“What the heck?!?!”
…or worse! Please know this is a common pattern and dynamic.
A person with narcissism (remember it is on a spectrum) needs attention. Securing those relationships that supply them with admiration and validation flowing in a steady stream is their deepest need — and it is often unconscious and unprocessed. The narcissist’s biggest fear is abandonment and their soul, sadly, is full of shame and insecurity. They are constantly defending this with their manipulative ways and tactics. If the attention is on you, for any reason, or they feel your happiness growing around a holiday, for example, it is threatening to them. You may see them tantrum and create drama to upset you.
You may say that this is so childish, and you are correct. A narcissist may be arrested emotionally at a much earlier age when their own trauma occurred. They are prone to jealousy and want what others have. They are jealous of your peace, your joy, and your confidence and are often drawn to people with inner light because they want this for themselves. It is a soul-sucking experience for you, literally.
They need to draw the attention back to themselves and get their way. It is usually useless to try to explain this to them or tell them how you feel, because of their lack of empathy. Their behaviors often appear to be uncaring and that may be true in some cases. They just don’t get it and are looking out for themselves and their own agenda.
Protect yourself by understanding and accepting this pattern if you must stay in a relationship with them. See it for what it is. The only one you can change is yourself. As you begin to accept this person’s disorder and limitations, it will be easier for you in the long run. However, coming to this acceptance is very hard and grief-filled. It is unfathomable to those who have empathy and are emotional adults that people really act like this. There is freedom for you in coming to acceptance and seeking help for yourself to learn to deal with your own unique situation. Peace to you.
Thank you, Donna, for such a timely topic!
Donna’s calling is to help spiritual women understand if they are involved in the confusion and trauma of a toxic emotionally abusive relationship and to guide them to heal transform and transcend the pain into a meaningful new beginning. She has been a clinical therapist for over 20 years and is a certified holistic wellness coach who specializes in grief and loss, trauma (Brainspotting certified), and emotional narcissistic abuse recovery.