Know how to tell if a narcissist is lying? Their mouth is open.
I’m definitely going crazy, I whispered to the stranger in the bathroom mirror.
I used to be so levelheaded. I used to think logically. I used to feel like I was on top of things.
And yet, as each year passed in my marriage to a man who would only at the end of it be clinically diagnosed as a narcissist, everything I knew to be true about myself and the world around me had slowly begun to slip from my grasp.
At the time, I believed all my troubles were my own fault. I had become too sensitive, too emotional, too this, and too that. I felt needy, insecure, anxious, and afraid. I questioned every word that came out of my mouth, no longer certain of anything, least of all my own sanity.
And it was all because of what he said.
I took his words at face value. Why wouldn’t I? I loved him. I trusted him. And people said what they meant, right?
Right. Unless by “people” you mean narcissists. And in that case, wrong.
Oh, so wrong.
It’s a simple matter of intent. While the rest of us are out here saying what we mean, expressing our feelings or opinions as we go, a narcissist has an ulterior motive, which is to break you down so that you’re easier to control.
So that you’re easier to abuse.
They create an atmosphere that leaves you confused, and defensive, and sets you up to have a distorted view of reality that favors the narcissist.
And they use words to do it.
What a narcissist says:
You’re crazy. You’re emotionally unstable.
What a narcissist means:
How dare you have a reaction to my bad behavior. To punish you, I’m going to invalidate your feelings (because I don’t care about them) and gaslight you into thinking you’re going crazy.
What a narcissist says:
You’re selfish. You don’t care about me or my needs.
What a narcissist means:
I’m selfish and I don’t care about your needs but you damn sure better take care of mine.
What a narcissist says:
You’re too sensitive. You need to get thicker skin.
What a narcissist means:
I want you to believe that the problem is you, not me. I am training you to endure more of my abuse by making you believe my behavior is all your fault.
What a narcissist says:
You’re lying. You’re cheating. You’re hiding something.
What a narcissist means:
Everything out of my mouth is a lie. I’m cheating or thinking about cheating. I’m hiding who I really am but I’m afraid you’re going to figure me out, so I’ll accuse you of what I’m doing to throw you off track.
What a narcissist says:
You’re lucky to have me. You’re lucky I put up with you.
What a narcissist means:
I chose you because you’re better than me and have all the qualities I’m lacking. I don’t want you to figure this out so I’m going to convince you that you’re the lucky one when I know the opposite is true.
What a narcissist says:
Our future will be beautiful. I’m going to make all your dreams come true and give you everything your heart desires.
What a narcissist means:
I will tell you anything you want to hear about a future that doesn’t exist so I can get all my needs met in the present moment.
What a narcissist says:
I never said that.
What a narcissist means:
I’m going to rewrite our history and make you question your memory. I don’t want you to trust yourself so I’m going to separate you from your intuition. This way, you’ll believe me when I tell you who you are, which will make you easier to control.
What a narcissist says:
You’re a terrible parent.
What a narcissist means:
I’m jealous of your relationship with our children. You are an amazing parent and I know I never will be. I don’t care about our family and our children are only useful when I need them to hurt you or use them as a prop for my charade.
What a narcissist says:
You have daddy/mommy/anger issues.
What a narcissist means:
You’re starting to see through me so I’m going to throw you off by shifting blame and hitting you where you’re most vulnerable. This way I’ll make you feel inferior and that the problem is you, not me.
What a narcissist says:
I’m sorry.
What a narcissist means:
I’m sorry I got caught. I’m sorry you feel that way. But I’m not sorry I hurt you because nothing is ever my fault.
What a narcissist says:
I promise I’ll change.
What a narcissist means:
If I do change, it will only be for the worse since I know you’re going to stick around and put up with it.
What a narcissist says:
You’re abusive. You’re a narcissist.
What a narcissist means:
I need to disempower you and the best way to do that is to accuse you of something that I know you’ll care deeply about and give a lot of thought to. Besides, it’s fun to watch you spin out while I sit back enjoying the show.
What a narcissist says:
I love you.
What a narcissist means:
I love being able to control you. I love looking down on you. I love taking from you what I need and not having to give the same back. I love how you’re wrapped around my finger. I love that you’ve given up your values and morals for me. I love seeing you in pain, which is why I can’t help but smirk. I love that you forgive me no matter what I do. And I love that you love me, especially since I am incapable of loving anyone, not even myself.
When it comes to narcissists, what they say and what they mean will always be two totally different things because of one reason: Intent.
Intent to harm.
Because who needs sticks and stones when a narcissist has words to hurt you.
Thank you, Suzanna! You rocked it again!!
