DOES YOUR FRIEND HAVE ANY OF THESE BEHAVIORS?
Control is the key – they must always be in control. Which means you can play the friend game if you obey their rule and, their plans.
Entitlement – narcissists believe they are entitled to everything without having to earn it. This includes your friendship, your money and your time. They believe they are better than everyone else.
Take – take – take – Because of the entitlement factor, they are takers. They believe they are entitled to take from everyone. If you are a codependent, people -pleasing, poor- boundary person then you are a perfect target/friend for them. You give and they take! They take advantage of everyone in their lives and they use them and spit them back in heartless ways.
They have no empathy – because their own needs come before anyone else’s, they are generally uninterested in anyone else’s situation. You are expected to be there for them, but dare you need them in crisis! You can count on ghosting to occur, because they can’t handle showing compassion or empathy. When you need them, which means they cannot be the center of attention then, they hide until your crisis is over. If they do show up for you, expect them to be unsupportive and passive aggressive so they can turn the situation around for them to get the attention off you and onto themselves.
Grandiose patterns – a narcissistic friend starts out so generous, giving to you and others, or even telling tales of volunteering. They tell you stories of their grandiose behaviors and yet, you start to see patterns that they repeat the same story to everyone when they are trying to impress. These trophy hero acts soon become clear that they are just for show. They appear so generously giving to people, overdoing things just to impress. The truth is, that while they are using these grandiose tactics, they are harboring anger and resentment that people aren’t giving to them.
Pathological lies – narcissists lie even when there is no need to lie. I often wonder how they keep everything straight. They will lie about their past and every person that has ever been in their lives. Many of the lies they tell, help them paint themselves as the victim, but some of the lies paint them as a hero. A normal lie might be that you only ate three cookies, but the complex lies that the narcissist creates are much like storytelling as they add so many details. It becomes hard to detect where the line of truth comes into play.
Smear Campaigns – when you enter into the devalue stage, they seem to start a smear campaign against you, telling detailed lies to everyone. The truth is, that all along they have laid the foundation for this smear campaign, often by sharing concerns about you with other friends. Casually dropping these concerns about your drinking allows them to call you an alcoholic later and it show others that they were worried about you all along. Don’t be fooled. These campaigns are not schoolyard tattle tails. These are designed to RUIN you.
Self-importance – a narcissistic person has a strong sense of self-importance and yet they need you to validate everything about them. If you don’t fall in line giving compliments right away, they will fish for compliments to feed their ego. A basic rule is that you cannot outshine them, so don’t ask them how you look because they will simply turn it around to them.
Uses humor to hurt you and others – it’s ok for them to point out your flaws and they usually do it with a chuckle of humor. If you set boundaries or tell them that what they just said hurts you, they turn their behavior into an attack telling you that you are too sensitive, they were only kidding, or that you can’t you take a joke. This hurts your feelings as you start to see that this relationship is not equal. They easily point out your flaws under the cover of getting you to be a better person. They want to improve you because you aren’t good enough. This move allows them to be able to tell people later how hard they tried to fix you, but you wouldn’t listen.
Unable to take criticism – a true test of a narcissistic friend is when you criticize them. They will not like it and may give you the silent treatment to punish you and teach you that thou shalt never say anything bad about them. Their sensitive side comes out, but in a very unhealthy way. The old saying that ‘they can dish it out but can’t take it’ totally applies to a narcissistic friend.
Boundary breakers – a narcissistic friend will not listen to or respect your boundaries.
Overly helpful advice – over time you will see a side of them that feels like they are trying to help you, but it somehow feels icky. That is usually because they are trying to convince you that the choices you are making are not correct and that you should listen to what they say. It is a step in the pattern of control.
Complaining about everyone – a narcissistic friend has no loyalty to you or anyone else, so when they are with you, they will trash-talk other friends, yet in front of these friends they put on a friendship show that ends up being very confusing to watch.
They tire you out – they are demanding attention and time to do things with them. They are willing to play if you are doing what they want to do after that initial idealize stage. They will not do what you want to do. Your ideas and suggestions are quickly pushed to the side and you cave in to their ideas just to keep the peace and make it easier. Expect them to trick you into doing what they want.
They test your loyalty – and isolate you over time against your friends by monopolizing your time They don’t like to share. The reason that they don’t want you seeing normal friends is because then they will take second place and they need to be the most important. Eventually, they turn your friends against you by pointing out little things they do and then blowing that up to get you to walk away from your old friends. If you do not show loyalty to them, then you move down on the list of chief supply.
You don’t matter – they never listen to your worries, concerns and life events. They are very disinterested and show no empathy to help you in a difficult situation. Conversations always go back to them.
You become the ‘favor friend’ – Can you please watch my dog? Can I borrow some money? Can I go to the concert with you? I always wanted to see that band and I could never afford it? At first you comply, but over time as the unevenness of the relationship starts to show, and if you set that boundary and say no, you are punished by having them pull away.
The jealous friend – a narcissistic friend gets jealous of you and your accomplishments and can never be happy for you. They get jealous very easily and act like wounded little children if a new friend or lover comes into your life. They must monopolize your life, so the ugly head of jealousy comes out. If you wonder where they have been when they ghost you to cultivate a new supply, and you ask them where they have been, they accuse you of being jealous of this new friend. They turn it around making you appear as the jealous one.
Actions speak louder than words – this is true for everyone, but when we are dealing with a narcissistic friend, we can get charmed by them and overlook that they are not keeping promises. Life is a show to them, and they will act one way in public and then back-stab a friend (you) behind closed doors. If they say what they mean and mean what they say ‘always’, they are probably not a narcissist but if they cannot be counted on, you may be dealing with a narcissistic friend.
They are concerned for image above everything – social media is a tool that narcissists use to show the world how wonderful their lives are. They must project an image to the world that they are superior. They like to be seen with the ‘popular’ people or people that boost them socially. This may or may not be your role in this relationship, so you might see them post pictures of everyone else, but never you. Because image is crucial to their existence. Never tag them in an unflattering image on social media because they will get very angry.
Quick relationship patterns – narcissists begin that love bombing idealization stage with new potential mates to confuse them and control them. It’s the same pattern you saw when they became your friend. Only now, they are pulling it with a potential suitor. You will see people come into their lives very quickly and the friendship goes from zero to sixty, where the new person is taking the crown of chief supply. They must do this process fast to make sure that the victim doesn’t have time to figure out what is happening.
Gaslighting patterns – gaslighting is when someone tries to deny your reality. They might deny that something happened when you know it did. They might deny saying something or tell you that your feelings don’t matter or that you are overly sensitive have no right to feel that way. They repeat these falsehoods so often, that you really do begin to think you are crazy and you doubt your own mind.
Angered easily – in the beginning you could do no wrong, but over time you find yourself walking on eggshells because they get angry easily and you never know what will set them off. This usually stops the victim from speaking up, because it just isn’t worth the cost of their wrath.