When Your Relationship ‘feels like home’ Even Though Home Hurts

We all know that ‘click’ when we connect with that special someone, our heart races, we lean into whatever they are saying, we can’t wait to see them again.

Attraction in adulthood is the activation of our earliest attachment patterns. It’s like our body saying ‘I know how to be the corresponding puzzle piece to this person’. It’s like a celebration going off in your body ‘we fit!

After that initial honeymoon phase, we notice some of those matching puzzle pieces are walking on eggshells when your partner’s responses get short. Or silencing your opinion about something that previously you would have spoken openly about. Morphing into a version of yourself that won’t rock the boat.

Attachment sciences teach us that we are only as needy in our relationships as our earliest unmet needs.

Unresolved issues with parents end up being repeated by the couple. If you are seeking support from a marriage counselor, it’s essential to understand that this is not just a marital issue. This painful situation goes way beyond the couple’s communication styles or current issues that are being argued.

The family you grew up in shapes your current relationship in ways that may surprise you. Your family of origin teaches you about love and conflict. Underlines what you are willing to do to be sure love stays.

We fall in love with the familiar. Not what is on our list of ideal attributes in a partner or what we share with our friends we are looking for in a relationship.

A step you can take today is to examine the ways in which your family has impacted you and the effect your partner’s family has had on them. This more than anything else changes the way you relate to what is happening in your relationship today.

Have you ever considered that what you blame your spouse for is really what is unresolved between you and your parents?


Thank you, Johanna!


Johanna Lynn, of The Family Imprint Institute, has been connected to the world of separation and divorce for over 15 years, originally due to her personal situation, then as a systemic therapist focusing on restoring relationships.

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