Estranged parents often look back and ask, “How did this even happen? When did things start to change?”
The truth is, narcissistic abuse rarely announces itself at the front door. It sneaks in quietly, disguised as quirks or misunderstandings. What seems “odd” at first later reveals itself as part of the classic cycle of narcissistic manipulation: idealize, devalue, discard.
Here’s how it often shows up — and how you can begin to recognize it.
The Idealize Stage: “Too Good to Be True”
At first, the narcissist seems charming, attentive, and maybe even over-eager. Families often mistake this for excitement or friendliness.
What it sounds like:
- “Your family is so amazing. I feel like I finally belong somewhere.”
- “I’ve never met parents like you — you’re perfect.”
- “We’ll always be so close; I want to do everything together.”
Why they do it:
This phase is all about hooking their victim — in this case, your adult child. They flood them with attention, flattery, and connection to create fast trust and dependency.
What it really is:
Love-bombing. The goal isn’t genuine closeness; it’s about securing control. When someone moves too fast, too intensely, it isn’t passion — it’s manipulation.
The Devalue Stage: “That Was Weird…”
Once the narcissist feels secure, subtle digs, strange comments, and shifting rules creep in. To outsiders (like you, the parents), it first feels “off,” not abusive.
What it sounds like:
- “Your mom means well, but she’s a little controlling, don’t you think?”
- “Your dad was kind of rude just now. Did you notice?”
- “Why do they always do it that way? It’s weird.”
Why they do it:
This stage plants seeds of doubt and starts to chip away at your child’s loyalty. By reframing normal family quirks as flaws, the narcissist positions themselves as the “truth-teller” and your child as the protector.
What it really is:
Gaslighting and triangulation. Slowly, the narcissist rewrites family history and recasts parents as flawed, unsafe, or “toxic.” It doesn’t feel like an attack at first — more like a casual observation — but it’s calculated.
The Discard Stage: “Suddenly, You’re the Enemy”
Eventually, the narcissist escalates to outright control and isolation. This is when estrangement often explodes into full view.
What it sounds like:
- “I can’t have you in my life right now. You’re too toxic.”
- “Until you admit what you’ve done, I can’t talk to you.”
- “It’s better for me (and us) if I don’t see you anymore.”
Why they do it:
By this point, the narcissist has succeeded in creating distance between your child and their family of origin. Cutting you off cements their control and eliminates competing voices.
What it really is:
The discard. It’s not about what you did or didn’t do — it’s about power. Your child is now conditioned to see you as the problem, while the narcissist positions themselves as the rescuer.
The Sneaky Truth Parents Need to Know
Estranged parents often blame themselves, replaying every “weird” moment they ignored. But these strange shifts weren’t your fault. They were intentional tactics, part of a cycle of manipulation that no loving parent could have stopped simply by “doing better.”
Understanding the idealize–devalue–discard pattern can help you stop blaming yourself and start seeing the bigger picture:
- It’s not that you missed the signs. They were designed to be subtle.
- It’s not that you failed your child. They were groomed and manipulated.
- It’s not the end of your story. Healing and resilience are still possible, even when reconciliation isn’t.
When you catch yourself thinking, “That was just weird…” remember — weird often means warning. If you’re living through estrangement right now, take heart. The abuse sneaks up, but your awareness can be your path forward.
Feel like you lost your adult child to a narc? This is for you!
If you feel like you’ve lost your son or daughter once they married a narcissist… this is for you. It can be so overwhelming, confusing, and gut-wrenching to realize that there’s a toxic person now poisoning your own adult child against you. You can feel hopeless and like no one gets it. Fortunately, Tracy does! Not only does she understand this insidious form of abuse, she also knows the steps to help you feel empowered and heal from it! With practical strategies and relatable insights, Tracy guides you to know exactly what to do and NOT to do in these situations to give you the best chance to get your son or daughter back. I highly recommend this book!!
Book by Tracy A. Malone, Available Now!
Need a guidebook for understanding estrangement by a narcissist, this is your answer
My wife and I have gone from having our world turned upside down by a covert narcissist daughter-in-law without knowing what was happening to us to now gaining clarity and understanding from Tracy. I feel like she has written a biography of our relationship. It is so helpful to have the patterns, behaviors, and tactics so clearly defined and explained to bring structure to the madness that comes from estrangement. Unfortunately, this complex issue doesn’t come with easy solutions, but the education does wonders for peace of mind. I’d recommend this book for anyone that wants to understand how their life got turned upside down by a narcissist. Game changer!
Wonderful guidance for the most difficult situation
If you are a parent who is estranged from your child and you’re asking yourself, “how did we get here?”… then this book is for you. Tracy Malone breaks down the process of becoming estranged from your child and what to do about it. For those looking for greater understanding and clarity, as well as actions you can take now… you need to get this book immediately.
Tracy tells it like it is and doesn’t sugar coat things. She walks you through the steps to come to understanding and acceptance of your situation, but also gives you the tools to manage it and come out on the other side.
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